Mental Fatigue
Hey there, I decided to share a bit of my life with y'all for once, might be hard to understand what I'm going through right now, so if you can't relate, it's okay. Not sure if it's better or not that you don't relate (in case you do) so I'll leave it at that.
I'm currently about to finish 8th grade, with the ceremony on June 12th, the 2 exams (native language, for me romanian and maths) on the 22nd and 24th, with a big party on the 25th and an afterparty carrying into the night of the 26th. While I've been eagerly waiting for this school year to end, finding myself at the end of middle-school might have awaken some memories inside, as I've felt rather regretful that it's...just gonna end all of a sudden. I've had this classmates for 4 years, and the thought of this just ending once and for all just feels out of place. Yes, I know that this will happen, but even then, it doesn't feel right. We won't be in the same class together, with the same teachers, at the same schools, most (not everyone) just drifting away from eachother. Actually sitting down and thinking about what we've done over these years reminds me of just how much they've changed me and how much we've changed. Still, every day feels the same: wake up, get ready, go to school, try to survive the madness that unfolds every break, try to ignore that one kid that has nothing better to do than just trying to get on my nerves for no reason, go to private hours in case I have some for the day, arrive home, do homework, play some games if I have time left or just chill, eat and go to sleep. It's been like this since October. Not to mention the occasional drama that sparks between us and it just so happens that I'm the center of attention like half the time. In fact, some of those guys curse behind eachother's back all the time. We've been called "the smartest class" and one united group of kids. Right.
It's all about to end, yada yada. Okay, I can get along with that. It's gonna feel slightly uncanny that I'll finally be free from being the class clown every now and then and there won't be someone that's actively ragebaiting me. Despite that, I still feel a level of distrust in most of my classmates due to stuff that happened in the past, but they've started to be nice with me for a while and it feels like they're trying to get something out of me, to make me forget the numerous times I got mocked by them, and for some god knows reason I still have a piece of my sould dedicated to them, as if not enough shit happened in this group for me to lose pretty much every reason to even be affiliated with them. Not to mention, in 7th grade, I had my first real crush on a girl. We're talking "when I saw you for the first time I genuenly got blown away by how pretty you are" type of crush. I was obsessed, no other way for me to tell you. While I had feelings for her, she either didn't have at all for me (and still doesn't, and I somehow I still find her a dear person like genuenly I'm miserable), or she actually had feelings, then randomly decided to make a fool out of me. Either way, she probably got the job done. It's most likely due to her that my trust in society is on the verge of dissapearing. How can I believe in what people tell me if they can just negate everything and play it like a joke right afterwards? Worst part of all, I forgave her. Time and time again, as if that was my whole point in life. I straight up cried at times over all of that stuff, and admiting it makes me feel like an idiot. I was genuine all this time and I got used everytime I showed a sign of kindness. I did this because, to me, it feels right to be a kind person, to actually care for others, to be respectful.
It all had to comeback as my suffering was about to end. I'm supossed to look back at this period of my life as a time when I enjoyed being myself and made long-lasting friendships. Meanwhile, I felt like a strainger for most of the time here and I got to make 1 friendship that I can be relatively sure will be a long-lasting one. I look at them and I see happiness, joy, no problems, nothing to worry about. I look at myself, what do I see? Some teenager that's trying to get along but fails at it, thinking about problems and always in a rush. 4 years spent with them and not once have I went out in town with them during weekends or when I didn't have a competition in said day or any notable event. I've trully lived up to my expectations, haven't I? Outside of grades and competitions that I've participated at over these years (which most don't care about), I can be proud (or not) to say that I won't leave them any outstandingly good memory of me as a person. Maybe in 5th or 6th grade, but even I struggle to remember what we did back then. Not like it would matter anyway, it all happened, you can't wind the clock backwards. If you try to remember everything, you'll just think about the bad moments and forget about the good ones, because it's the norm to be a good person, right? Right?
So here I am. Theatrical performance, isn't it? Thank you. The conclusion would be that I will simultaneously miss and not miss this class at all. Depends on who am I referring to. One thing that I think would have helped me, though, is if I was dumber. Yep, dumber. Sounds hillarious, but think about it. You get to do more stupid shit with your equally dumb friends, you have fun doing it, you stop thinking about problems, you don't get stressed, peak life! A win-win situation for everybody, don't you see? For real now, I wish at times that I didn't care about all the stuff I care about now, as I'm writing this. I wish I could let go of everything and not feel the dreadfulness that most of this school year. I got more and more tired along the way, and now I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm this close to being done, but I just want this over. I have nothing to lose, as if I had anything to lose ever, because nothing was ever trully mine.
Yeah, it has been some wild times. If I could, I would just have played MB and forget that all of this happened. I didn't have that opportunity, so I have to live with this reality. You could realistically call me a psychopath or just mentally deranged, and I would agree with you, because in a way, you couldn't be more correct.
I'm currently about to finish 8th grade, with the ceremony on June 12th, the 2 exams (native language, for me romanian and maths) on the 22nd and 24th, with a big party on the 25th and an afterparty carrying into the night of the 26th. While I've been eagerly waiting for this school year to end, finding myself at the end of middle-school might have awaken some memories inside, as I've felt rather regretful that it's...just gonna end all of a sudden. I've had this classmates for 4 years, and the thought of this just ending once and for all just feels out of place. Yes, I know that this will happen, but even then, it doesn't feel right. We won't be in the same class together, with the same teachers, at the same schools, most (not everyone) just drifting away from eachother. Actually sitting down and thinking about what we've done over these years reminds me of just how much they've changed me and how much we've changed. Still, every day feels the same: wake up, get ready, go to school, try to survive the madness that unfolds every break, try to ignore that one kid that has nothing better to do than just trying to get on my nerves for no reason, go to private hours in case I have some for the day, arrive home, do homework, play some games if I have time left or just chill, eat and go to sleep. It's been like this since October. Not to mention the occasional drama that sparks between us and it just so happens that I'm the center of attention like half the time. In fact, some of those guys curse behind eachother's back all the time. We've been called "the smartest class" and one united group of kids. Right.
It's all about to end, yada yada. Okay, I can get along with that. It's gonna feel slightly uncanny that I'll finally be free from being the class clown every now and then and there won't be someone that's actively ragebaiting me. Despite that, I still feel a level of distrust in most of my classmates due to stuff that happened in the past, but they've started to be nice with me for a while and it feels like they're trying to get something out of me, to make me forget the numerous times I got mocked by them, and for some god knows reason I still have a piece of my sould dedicated to them, as if not enough shit happened in this group for me to lose pretty much every reason to even be affiliated with them. Not to mention, in 7th grade, I had my first real crush on a girl. We're talking "when I saw you for the first time I genuenly got blown away by how pretty you are" type of crush. I was obsessed, no other way for me to tell you. While I had feelings for her, she either didn't have at all for me (and still doesn't, and I somehow I still find her a dear person like genuenly I'm miserable), or she actually had feelings, then randomly decided to make a fool out of me. Either way, she probably got the job done. It's most likely due to her that my trust in society is on the verge of dissapearing. How can I believe in what people tell me if they can just negate everything and play it like a joke right afterwards? Worst part of all, I forgave her. Time and time again, as if that was my whole point in life. I straight up cried at times over all of that stuff, and admiting it makes me feel like an idiot. I was genuine all this time and I got used everytime I showed a sign of kindness. I did this because, to me, it feels right to be a kind person, to actually care for others, to be respectful.
It all had to comeback as my suffering was about to end. I'm supossed to look back at this period of my life as a time when I enjoyed being myself and made long-lasting friendships. Meanwhile, I felt like a strainger for most of the time here and I got to make 1 friendship that I can be relatively sure will be a long-lasting one. I look at them and I see happiness, joy, no problems, nothing to worry about. I look at myself, what do I see? Some teenager that's trying to get along but fails at it, thinking about problems and always in a rush. 4 years spent with them and not once have I went out in town with them during weekends or when I didn't have a competition in said day or any notable event. I've trully lived up to my expectations, haven't I? Outside of grades and competitions that I've participated at over these years (which most don't care about), I can be proud (or not) to say that I won't leave them any outstandingly good memory of me as a person. Maybe in 5th or 6th grade, but even I struggle to remember what we did back then. Not like it would matter anyway, it all happened, you can't wind the clock backwards. If you try to remember everything, you'll just think about the bad moments and forget about the good ones, because it's the norm to be a good person, right? Right?
So here I am. Theatrical performance, isn't it? Thank you. The conclusion would be that I will simultaneously miss and not miss this class at all. Depends on who am I referring to. One thing that I think would have helped me, though, is if I was dumber. Yep, dumber. Sounds hillarious, but think about it. You get to do more stupid shit with your equally dumb friends, you have fun doing it, you stop thinking about problems, you don't get stressed, peak life! A win-win situation for everybody, don't you see? For real now, I wish at times that I didn't care about all the stuff I care about now, as I'm writing this. I wish I could let go of everything and not feel the dreadfulness that most of this school year. I got more and more tired along the way, and now I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm this close to being done, but I just want this over. I have nothing to lose, as if I had anything to lose ever, because nothing was ever trully mine.
Yeah, it has been some wild times. If I could, I would just have played MB and forget that all of this happened. I didn't have that opportunity, so I have to live with this reality. You could realistically call me a psychopath or just mentally deranged, and I would agree with you, because in a way, you couldn't be more correct.