Sep. 7 | How do I start?

This seemed to be the right question to ask myself as I’ve been considering starting to write here.

Well, technically writing here again. This forums subtopic saw the light of day every now and then some several years ago. I can remember as much as having rediscovered a photo of my deep love for marbling when I was a small five-year-old, showing my pride for my scouting adventures, and that infamous post asking about who I was. Fun memories, especially that last one.

I’ve never really had an outlet for writing like this before, nor has writing been a skill that I’ve felt much confidence in for maybe as long as I’ve had the conscience to try. As I’m writing now, my brain is telling me it’s okay to admit to strangers on the internet that I’ve been diarizing on and off in a more personal manner than I’ve ever been used to, but there’s a notable difference there. That feels like I’m engaging with a faceless entity, still with an aspect of character that feels a little bit like a best friend, that doesn’t respond to anything I tell it. This is putting parts of myself well out into the open, to people that supposedly also have brains, although never can I imagine that I would reveal those kinds of intimate thoughts and experiences here.

So, how I start is probably just something like this. Putting words to paper (or text to screen, if you will) and letting the momentum carry me until I’ve exhausted whatever brain cells are left up there for the time being. The truth is, while I’m asking myself this question as a means of an icebreaker for my page here, I’m also at a moment in my life where I’m either off to a fresh start with a handful of things, or trying to figure out how to reach that point with a handful of other things. This blog, and even this particular blog post, is almost the least of my concerns in this topic. I’ve spent all day thinking about what I could go on about, which almost certainly means I’m setting too high of a standard for myself and that I shouldn’t be taking myself this seriously in a community thriving on rolling marbles around and going fast. I just need to pick one and avoid fixating on the perfect structure.

I can begin with a recent huge turning point. I am entering my fourth (out of five) year of college, where the past three years have been an adventure in exploring my musical nature. My degree is in popular music, a program that the school I’ve been attending offers as one of a number alternatives to the more traditional music offerings that heavily lean towards classical or jazz. I took a series of three classes over the past academic year that taught me how to mix and master, and another class that was essentially a term-long project involving recording with several musicians and a lot of equipment. It was incredible… and a nice last push in this creative world after I realized that I had dried myself out of the passion in a scholarly setting. What I have loved so much, have such a fondness for, and an incredible range of talent in has been almost entirely replaced by this wildly unpredictable love for Italian. The sound of the language, the food, the culture, the funny pinching hand gesture of disbelief - all has swept me off of my feet in a matter of months, and given me that spark for the marriage with learning for fun that I’ve been trying to find again for some time. I spent the past few weeks in Lecce, doing an Italian Intensive program and bolting through the equivalent of my first year of studying the language. I have since been back home in the states for a few days, but I leave again in a little over a week to return to the country and continue my education abroad for the fall season, this time in Siena.

It’s a nice feeling that spirits are high in a matter that affects me emotionally, mentally, and physically. Such is life that it can’t do enough in any of those areas though. Keeping a good physical state is some kind of different effort, which I long for the days where I didn’t care as much and my youthfulness would solve it with less conscious thought. I consider myself lucky that I’ve never been in dreadful shape, but I did turn 18 right before the pandemic hit. I entered that period of early-adult maturing when the most that anyone could do was collapse inside and hide from a global virus. I went from training in martial arts and (English) football multiple times a week to sitting down for months and then rediscovering civilization with a new flavor of class and homework. Now I have this uncommitted relationship with trying to go to the gym or go out for a run on any consistent basis. I’m hoping that this is finally the year where it happens for an actual respectable amount of time without a significant pause, but at least I ran three miles earlier tonight. I’m finding it a nicer benefit than I expected to live in an area with some longer winding roads and a lot of beautiful trees around; it is inarguably more attractive than grids of light-grey pavement and the ugly minimalist architecture of the modern day. I returned home for a lovely shower, and took my sweet time with my developing head-to-toe skincare routine. My body will eventually become a good place to live in.

The past year has seen my social life do a pretty intense flip on its head - doesn’t help being in the midst of friend group drama where just about everyone does something stupid and unnecessary comments are flying everywhere, but things have been on quite grounded recently. It sounds more depressing than it actually is to say that I only have a couple of real friends right now, but I’m far more comfortable with that than I could’ve expected myself to be. I’m experiencing new starts in several places, beyond what I’ve already mentioned, and some new faces certainly wouldn’t hurt. I wish I had kinder things to say about who I was from even only a couple of years ago, although those negative feelings have strong roots in anxiety and some lack of self-esteem, and I’ve been asking a lot of questions about myself that would maybe find a better home in a headspace that could deal with fewer people I have history with. That is, of course, no ill-implied comment on said people, and a couple of whom I am very comfortable holding onto as I enter a new phase of my life, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to be starting anew in a sizeable piece of my social world. I’ve needed this for some time, and I finally have a chance to reintroduce myself to… well, most importantly, myself.

And with this, maybe reintroducing myself to anyone who bothers to read the several paragraphs of my internal monologue becoming a little more external. Truthfully, I don’t speak with the greatest amount of fluidity and structure; whatever your opinion is after this little entry here, you would be less impressed if I were to converse with you face-to-face. I haven’t the faintest idea what I could possibly achieve by letting my thoughts out on these forums, but I’m open to some reflection in the future. It just took a little while to figure out how to start.