14. Anger
When I was a kid, I used to struggle with anger issues. I went to counseling and they were able to help me get them under control, but I am still quick to get angry even today. I notice my temper being shorter when I am under a lot of stress, or when people around me are under a lot of stress or acting negatively.
This year, my temper has been especially short. At the start of the year, I would be generally bad-tempered due to stress about my eyes, and would have angry outbursts when I had to listen to my sister coughing for 30+ minutes every night in the winter (it turned out to be acid reflux). I don't think I'll ever forget how her cough sounds now because of how angry it made me, and I'm not proud of how I reacted to it.
More recently, I remember a specific day (2024-07-03) where I had two mosquitoes, a fly, and a moth in my bedroom all night, and the mosquitoes were buzzing around my head and biting my arms and legs all night, and after getting three hours of sleep and then spending an entire hour getting progressively more upset trying to catch them, I eventually got so angry that I broke down crying and woke everyone else up at 7 AM. Then for a couple days after that, I was kind of hallucinating that I could hear mosquitoes around my head at all times because it made me so miserable that night. Luckily, after closing one of my awful windows , I was able to avoid having mosquitoes in my room after that. But wow, I don't know how people go camping, since it's even worse than that. I think that's what I hate most about camping.
I've thought about it, and decided that I can divide my anger into three main categories. The first category is sensory anger. I am extremely sensitive to smells, and when there is a strong (or even faint) smell of anything that isn't food or outdoors, it can make me angry, especially if I know someone did something to cause a smell that they know I don't like (like weed, incense, essential oils, certain soap, etc.). This also happens with sounds—I love silence, and while it's not necessary to have silence for me to enjoy myself, it certainly helps. But I definitely need silence in order to sleep soundly. When there's a loud or noticeable noise preventing me from sleeping—this summer, mainly fans or the dog panting—it makes me angry even when I'm just lying in bed. But that can also happen with certain music, especially loud music—I will often have to escape to my room to get as far away from loud TV as I can. The noises of slamming doors and stomping feet which shake the whole house are also very irritating.
The second category is anger that surfaces whenever something isn't going the way that it "should", even things I can't control. This can be anything from people leaving lights on when they're not in a room to people not closing doors all the way to people leaving basically empty bags of food in the cabinets to people blatantly neglecting their health (all of these include myself as well, since when I catch myself doing something like this I get angry at myself for doing it). Or maybe my mom will tell me something that's irritating her, and then I'll get angry about it even though it's not directly affecting me. I can also find myself getting angry when someone I know is doing something that they know they shouldn't do, but they do it anyway. Even though it's not my business or in my control, I still can sometimes feel angry and have to talk myself out of it.
I also get very angry at myself, especially when I make silly mistakes or forget to do things. I often think to myself that there's no excuse for forgetting things that most people would remember easily, but which I struggle to remember. This will often happen when I'm asked to do an easy task, but am very focused on doing something else at that time, so I completely forget what I've been asked to do. Or I'll get angry at myself when I make stupid mistakes while playing Marble Blast or any other game, when I forget a deadline, or when I consistently answer questions wrongly. I was always proud of myself for doing well in school, so when I struggled, it was hard to feel like "this is normal" and for a while I got angry as a default response. After mediocrity became normal in college, I got past that though.
And also, when other people are angry, I get angry too. Every little interaction with someone who is in a bad mood in the house feeds my anger, and eventually I have to go shut myself in my room to get away from it all. But I can work on this, and lately when I go into my room, I sit down on the bed and just take deep breaths for several minutes, which calms me down quickly and easily. Sometimes all I need is just a few minutes to recover, and then I can continue going about my day as normal. I think writing all this down will help too, and I'll be able to think more critically about how susceptible I am to a rapidly rising temper.
This year, my temper has been especially short. At the start of the year, I would be generally bad-tempered due to stress about my eyes, and would have angry outbursts when I had to listen to my sister coughing for 30+ minutes every night in the winter (it turned out to be acid reflux). I don't think I'll ever forget how her cough sounds now because of how angry it made me, and I'm not proud of how I reacted to it.
More recently, I remember a specific day (2024-07-03) where I had two mosquitoes, a fly, and a moth in my bedroom all night, and the mosquitoes were buzzing around my head and biting my arms and legs all night, and after getting three hours of sleep and then spending an entire hour getting progressively more upset trying to catch them, I eventually got so angry that I broke down crying and woke everyone else up at 7 AM. Then for a couple days after that, I was kind of hallucinating that I could hear mosquitoes around my head at all times because it made me so miserable that night. Luckily, after closing one of my awful windows , I was able to avoid having mosquitoes in my room after that. But wow, I don't know how people go camping, since it's even worse than that. I think that's what I hate most about camping.
I've thought about it, and decided that I can divide my anger into three main categories. The first category is sensory anger. I am extremely sensitive to smells, and when there is a strong (or even faint) smell of anything that isn't food or outdoors, it can make me angry, especially if I know someone did something to cause a smell that they know I don't like (like weed, incense, essential oils, certain soap, etc.). This also happens with sounds—I love silence, and while it's not necessary to have silence for me to enjoy myself, it certainly helps. But I definitely need silence in order to sleep soundly. When there's a loud or noticeable noise preventing me from sleeping—this summer, mainly fans or the dog panting—it makes me angry even when I'm just lying in bed. But that can also happen with certain music, especially loud music—I will often have to escape to my room to get as far away from loud TV as I can. The noises of slamming doors and stomping feet which shake the whole house are also very irritating.
The second category is anger that surfaces whenever something isn't going the way that it "should", even things I can't control. This can be anything from people leaving lights on when they're not in a room to people not closing doors all the way to people leaving basically empty bags of food in the cabinets to people blatantly neglecting their health (all of these include myself as well, since when I catch myself doing something like this I get angry at myself for doing it). Or maybe my mom will tell me something that's irritating her, and then I'll get angry about it even though it's not directly affecting me. I can also find myself getting angry when someone I know is doing something that they know they shouldn't do, but they do it anyway. Even though it's not my business or in my control, I still can sometimes feel angry and have to talk myself out of it.
I also get very angry at myself, especially when I make silly mistakes or forget to do things. I often think to myself that there's no excuse for forgetting things that most people would remember easily, but which I struggle to remember. This will often happen when I'm asked to do an easy task, but am very focused on doing something else at that time, so I completely forget what I've been asked to do. Or I'll get angry at myself when I make stupid mistakes while playing Marble Blast or any other game, when I forget a deadline, or when I consistently answer questions wrongly. I was always proud of myself for doing well in school, so when I struggled, it was hard to feel like "this is normal" and for a while I got angry as a default response. After mediocrity became normal in college, I got past that though.
And also, when other people are angry, I get angry too. Every little interaction with someone who is in a bad mood in the house feeds my anger, and eventually I have to go shut myself in my room to get away from it all. But I can work on this, and lately when I go into my room, I sit down on the bed and just take deep breaths for several minutes, which calms me down quickly and easily. Sometimes all I need is just a few minutes to recover, and then I can continue going about my day as normal. I think writing all this down will help too, and I'll be able to think more critically about how susceptible I am to a rapidly rising temper.