Have you ever had the energy to do something ambitious, but lacked the motivation to do so?
Have you ever strived to get somewhere, get there, and wish you were back where you started?
Have you ever felt overly upset, in spite of nothing wrong going on at the time?
This has been me for the past year.
I have been slowly falling into a dark depression, and this week, I finally reached my breaking point. After coming home from school, I would break down and cry, or lay on the couch until something would happen. As of the time I am writing, I am tired and hungry - but I’ve gotten enough sleep, and I have no appetite. As my doctor suggested, I came here looking for an outlet for all of the feelings which have amassed over the past year.
Depression is not an easy thing to handle. It’s not just a state of mind - it’s a clinical condition. Depression makes you feel useless, and that you’re not capable of doing the simplest of tasks. Nothing in my life is going terribly wrong, but at the same time, everything is wrong. Today I called home sick after my 5th period class, for the thought of toiling on for two more hours was giving me headaches.
One of the major reasons for my depression is my school’s homecoming dance. This may sound silly, as it is nothing more than another school dance. However, there are some underlying problems.
Around May of last year, I was riding high and enjoying life. With my confidence, I began talking to a girl I liked, someone who had been a friend of mine for a while. We connected well, discovered some similarities (we even had the same anxiety issues), and developed a whole lot of inside jokes. The next thing I knew, we spent our whole school trip to Washington D.C. together, ending with her falling asleep with her head on my shoulder over the 12 hour bus ride home.
Over summer, we would hang out every week. We would visit the meadow and the nearby shopping plaza together, and have a jolly good time. We would smile, laugh, tell stories, and fool around at various stores. When we weren’t together, we would text pictures and miscellaneous silly stuff to each other. I should also mention that this person is exceedingly intelligent, pretty, and down-to-earth.
It was an excellent relationship, but I never considered us to be “dating” or “going out.” I feel like these terms are just used to garner attention, or to reach a higher status amongst peers. Plus, I feel silly using those terms as a high school student. I didn’t care for any of that; I hung out with her because I absolutely and genuinely enjoyed her company. I would look forward to seeing my “best bud” every day.
This may sound like it’s leading up to the typical tragic break-up, but that’s not how it went down at all. In August, after we were together all day (it was a very, very fun day, mind you) we were sitting together at the meadow, like we always do. I started crying. There was nothing that prompted my crying, nor were these tears of joy or sorrow. I was just crying, spontaneously and without reason. As the kind person she was, she offered hugs and words of encouragement. Not after long, I felt better, so it wasn’t a huge deal at the time. However, this lead to even more problems.
Summer ended and school started. We were still great friends, but we didn’t have as much time to talk, as we had no classes together. Still, I would make an effort to talk to her, and we would occasionally walk home from school together. Obligatorily, there was plenty of gossip and controversy surrounding the homecoming dance. The few people who knew about our relationship were expecting me to ask my friend, as was my friend herself. At one point, she broke the silence by asking me if I was going to homecoming.
There is something you should know about me: I don’t function well in crowds. One-on-one, I can be the most real and levelheaded person around. When I’m in a large group, though, I’m a mess. I also struggle under flashing lights and loud music. My parents were concerned about me going to homecoming, as there was a possibility I could pass out. Thus, I had little desire to go to the dance.
The truth had to come out. I told her that I wouldn’t be able to go to the dance. Admittedly, my attitude toward the situation was somewhat hostile, but I was frustrated. I offered to do something else on homecoming weekend, but she was already planning on going with some friends, and I couldn’t blame her. She ended up going with another guy, which was fine by me.
School drew on, and I started drifting away. Not just from my best friend, but from the rest of my peers. My enthusiasm toward school as a whole diminished. My friend would occasionally reach out to me and ask if I wanted to hang out, but I would deny. It reached the point where she would have to shout my name above the hubbub in the hallway just to get my attention. Looking back, I ask myself: Why would I refuse to be with a kindly, beautiful girl? There was no reason other than the fact that my body was telling me no.
Fast-forward two months. My parents took notice of my state, remarking that I was “zombie-like.” A doctor gave me a new prescription for anxiety pills, and they were mildly effective. In general, I was more relaxed, but my demeanor became moderately passive. I wouldn’t talk to my friend in months. I was delirious, so at first, I wondered why this came to be.
I don’t remember much about the following months. School was never satisfying, and I regained the shyness I had several years prior to these affairs. The school year ended, and I was very busy over summer. There were a few happy events that occurred during this time, (trip to US Nationals, amiibo collection) but they didn’t make me as excited as they could have. The unfortunate events that happened (deaths in the family, frustrating schoolwork) took much too great of a toll on my well-being. I lost much of my drive and my ability to set and reach personal goals. However, I wouldn’t fuss over as many incidents, and I was relaxed, so I guess there’s that.
Not long before the next (current) school year began, I was lying in bed, reminiscing about years past. For my own enjoyment, I was skimming through some of my text history. I came across my texts with the aforementioned friend. Guiltier and guiltier I felt as I scrolled through the logs. All these thoughtful, lengthy texts, supporting me during my earliest episodes of depression - to which I gave ignorance in return. She took significant time out of her day just to make me feel better. I cringed whenever I read a text that was not promptly returned.
I was mad. No, I was furious. I stared at the ceiling in disbelief over how I could have been so rude to none other than my best friend. My ignorant self then understood why we hadn’t seen each other in so long. She would reach out to me, but I wouldn’t reach out to her. The state in which I was suffering made me lose my best friend.
The guilt danced in my head. For days, I would think of a way to make it up to her. It was that time of year again, so there was the usual circulation of rumors regarding homecoming. Then, I realized the perfect apology would be to ask my friend to the dance. Ideally, this would absolve myself from my behavior of years past, as well as break the ice. For once, I was looking forward to homecoming.
Much to my dismay, I learned that she had already been asked to the dance. At first, I had given up, but the guilt still remained. I would tear up as I thought of the jerk I was, and how much I missed talking to my best friend. The new course of action was to talk to her alone and apologize directly. We met at the meadow so I could come clean. It was a very relieving experience. In spite of being on the verge of tears beforehand, I was very joyous while talking to her. I apologized, she said I did nothing wrong, we talked about other stuff, told a few jokes, and that was that. From then on, I could breathe and relax.
However, there was something oddly unsatisfying. I still felt awful as I thought of more instances when I did something cruel to my friend. I still felt forlorn, especially since we haven’t spoken since. She has been with this other person who asked her to homecoming, which is part of my internal conflict. I am not upset that she is hanging out with someone else; in fact, I am very glad for her. They seem very happy together, so it is not in my interests to intervene. However, I feel like it would be awkward talking to her as a friend, as if I would be interfering with something.
It certainly doesn’t help that my other friends are pressuring me into asking another girl to homecoming, someone whom I’ve never spoken with. These people went as far as convincing the girl that I asked her without my consent. Now, she’s stuck without a date, and that makes me feel awful. I know my friends have good intentions, but I can’t help but feel bullied, for I was put in a situation from which I can’t escape.
Perhaps I should clarify that this is not the sole reason for my depression, but it is the only contributing factor with a backstory. As if it weren’t obvious enough, I tend to dwell on things of the past - it’s been a part of my lifestyle since elementary school. Most of these situations are over-dramatized, I know - but that’s what my brain is doing to me. Besides my depression, another very serious medical issue has been wearing me down as well. In times past, it would prevent me from participating in sports. Now, though, it is affecting my everyday life. Recovering from this issue is a very difficult commitment, and it escalates my anxiety.
My condition grew worse. I attended a party after a football game, and the mere presence of people in a small space made me uncomfortable - to the point where I was holding back tears. As mentioned, I don’t do well in crowds, but not to that extent, especially since these people were my peers. School became a chore, and finishing my homework took all the willpower I could muster. Talking to people took effort I didn’t have, even if they wanted to speak to me. I would also occasionally cry for no specific reason.
I visited my doctor. We had a very emotional discussion, and he gave me a dosage increase for my anxiety medication. I was finally looking forward to getting up in the morning, and I was capable of talking to people without getting stressed. I attended another local football game where I reconnected with several of my old friends. The effects were drastic, and I felt exponentially better - at first.
The following day (which was this past Saturday), I struggled to get out of bed. There was a street festival no more than 200 feet from my front yard, but I was devastated by my condition. I walked there to buy some food from my friend’s booth, but even then, it was difficult for me to socialize with any of my friends. I couldn’t even bring myself to walk the extra 50 feet to the shopping strip. With my head down, I turned around and walked home. Then, I sat in a chair, exhausted as ever, for the remainder of the day.
That brings me to my current state. My only wish is to get better. I have been dressing nicely, improving my hygiene, and getting more exercise - but none of that can mask my true feeling. I feel like utter crap. My eyes have bags beneath them, my face is pale, and my physical and emotional strengths are lacking. Reaching a state of happiness is in my best interest, but right now, it feels like I’m rowing upstream with no paddle.
Last edit: 02 Oct 2015 00:44 by Marson.
The following user(s) said Thank You: IsraeliRD, Imperial, Jeff, RC, Kalle29, J@ckRB, RadiantVibe, Regislian, elnathan, Derpking, Hitgod, Nature Freak, Nockess, Technostar, Weather, Xedron
I read through the entire thing. I'm really sorry that so much has happened to you. I just want to remind you that we're all here to support you as your friends. If you ever feel like you need to vent your feelings again, I can promise you that I will read any blog posts you make here.
It's good to see that you're getting help and that you're willing to talk about your difficulties. Those are the first steps to overcoming them.
"You know you've spelled something wrong when the only search results are Jeff convos" - HiGuy
I'd like you to know that I connected very deeply to what you wrote, because I have had friends who have been through similar situations, and thus I know how tormenting some things can be to a person. The human side of me wants to help as much as I can. But I know that sometimes you just want someone who will listen, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are more than willing to be of service in that department. While I can't relate specifically to what you're experiencing, I know much of how you feel. Know that there are always people willing to support you and encourage you.
The community here is very family-oriented, I think, and thus we consider you less of a member and more of a friend. I would have written a much longer post, but as I understand it you have gotten help, which I applaud you for tremendously. From your post, you recognize what you are experiencing, and that's the first step to a healthier well-being. Life is hard, yes, and the only thing we can do to make better of it is to look upwards. And I will be here supporting you as you make that journey.
I love you, but your attitude is like that of a shrew. Your options? Take a pill or be my kill. Might I suggest that you wear a vest. Perish in class or be banished to the land of bluegrass, where dreams don't exist as you'll be eternally pissed.
I think maybe the only reason I made it through last year (won't get into it) was reading Terry Pratchett Discworld books one the bus ride home.
I've sort of taken Granny Weatherwax's complete and utter self control as a role model, not sure if it'll help you, but it did help me get myself thorugh tough times.
Granny Weatherwax is prominent in Carpe Jugulum, but my favorite Discworld books are Theif of Time and Witches Abroad.
this probably says more about myself than I'd like it to...
Just remember to focus on the things you can do, even if it's just sitting.
I don't remember where I saw this, but I read somewhere a while ago that it is very hard to relax all of your muscles. Once you focus on it, it's surprising how tense you might be.
I feel really sorry for you. For everything you've been through, and I really hope everything turns out to be more merrier in the end. I certainly would not have the courage to write something this personal and emotional (as to my own opinion) on a forums website for a game. I really wouldn't be able to do something like this.
I honestly thought you were content. Sure, you may have had a couple problems here and there, but I really had no idea it was this unfortunate for you. It crushes me to hear that one who I thought was happy is more of one who seems like their life is destroyed.
You've made so many friends through this online game called Marble Blast, and I can't blame you, I've done the same.I mostly know what it feels like to be in an amazing community with people who are friendly, helpful, loyal, and they're always there for each other. But you are one of only a few people who have been here for so long that our community is almost like another life for you. You start having a chat online and it's like you get sucked into this other world as you may call it, and everything around you disappears. You're talking with friends, you're playing a game you really love, and best of all, everyone's happy that you're doing a favorite activity of yours.
Carry on with Marble Blast.
Feel better buddy, come and ask us for needed help.
First player ever to get all of the Awesome Times.
I have to admit that writing that all down into a coherent post is brave and difficult to do, especially because I have suffered from depression in the past in the same sort of way, nothing inherently was going wrong yet personal life choices combined with a less-than-helpful attitude really dragged me down and, whilst I've always been good with school, it finally took its toll and I paid the price last year, meaning more work this year to make up for it.
I was popular yet completely withdrawn from my own peers, largely by choice, and that devastated my motivation to work towards any sort of goal. I also had a lot of arguments with parents, and being the horribly self-defensive person I am, try to deflect any arguments or help from them. Eventually they gave up and whilst I was fine mentally in school, as soon as I returned home I wanted to do nothing but sulk in my room and be as miserable as possible. I've only snapped out of this recently, but that was more out of necessity than anything.
Enough about me, I still am kind of lingering on to the symptoms of depression, having days where I feel completely immobilized at times, only having focus towards games when I have work to do, and when asked to do react in a overly-hostile way, but I'm trying to clamber out of that hole, especially, on reflection, how much of my life I have suffered from it in one way or another.
But always know that any feelings that need to be vented can be vented and we as a community will listen to you (as well as others affected). We are a tight-knit group and we always try to help. Yes, it is a hard life, but focusing on the positives moreso on the negatives can really help.
"funny quote" - funny person 2016 part 2 electric boogaloo
Last edit: 29 Sep 2015 15:52 by J@ckRB. Reason: reformatting - no longer wall of text
I am so, so sorry that you are going through this right now. I can connect to it, but indirectly. My sister is going through a similar depression phase (she is 17). She is a junior in high school. She doesn't like school, but there are some things that cheer her up, like listening to George Carlin, working as a waitress at the local café, and traveling. This past summer she went to Italy for two weeks. Maybe a change of scenery would help with your depression. Working, for her, is more enjoyable than most other things, and she works nearly every day. It makes her feel like she is doing something worthwhile, I guess. EDIT: Also, try reading books. They can take you to a world where anything is possible. There is not much more that is calming then sitting in a comfy chair with a good book and a big mug of hot chocolate.
I also am going through the vast vulgar pit of puberty (I am 15), and sometimes I tear up when something doesn't go ideally. I really hope that you will feel better soon, and I support you speaking your feelings. We're all on your side here.
Thank you all for the kind comments - a tear of happiness came to my eye as I read each one. When Joey says this community is family-oriented, he is very much correct, and that's why I came here to vent. While this community is small, I love it dearly, and it's great to know I have so many supportive friends. Again, thank you. Playing Marble Blast is my saving grace. When I don't have energy to do anything else, I hop on webchat or play some MB mindlessly. It's very relieving.
A small update on my condition: I'm getting better. My appetite has returned, and in general, my attitude is positive. I am actively working on being more open and outgoing. There are a few things I look to improve, such as my sleep schedule, for I am tired all day and the bags under my eyes prevail. My attention span has shortened by a great magnitude, which makes my schoolwork difficult. On the positive side, I am having a medical procedure on Tuesday, which will (hopefully) solve my other issues.
And for those who are wondering why my blog was redacted for some time: a certain someone who is banned from this community decided to post my blog to Facebook. It doesn't belong there.
Just wanna say that I recognize myself in several things you wrote, I even had a period in my life filled with depression. We all have different ways to deal with it, I had to take some time away, I didn't really tell anyone about it. For some it's best to be open about it, so we're always here to listen if you need someone to talk to Hope everything goes well on tuesday.
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