Civil War

Disclaimer: This blog is extremely controversial and thus may not be suitable for younger audiences.

My family has always been like a pendulum – one day we’re frosted with love and the next we’re glimmering with contempt. I’ve always been the wild card – the one who plays both sides. This means: Daddy has problem, daddy talks to Joey and makes mommy enemy. Mommy has problem, mommy talks to Joey and makes daddy enemy. I hope you picked up on the fact that I used certain variants of words on purpose, because I’m trying to make this as comical as possible. But that aside, there is a huge problem in the dynamic that exists here, and since I’ve moved to Florida it has only grown. Granted, it has been worse in the past, I think, but this is slightly more significant because it involves all four of us (I have a brother) and we’re split across states.

I thought I would make a blog detailing all the great adventures I’ve had this summer in Florida and my beach travels, and my trips to Miami. That’s a fantasy. I actually spent most of the summer transferring into my mom’s grandmother’s home (the house that her grandfather died in), and getting everything that was in it moved up to Pennsylvania, and waiting on an offer so that dad could sell our old house in Kentucky and get down here. Oh yeah, he’s still there. Also, the offer was declined, which basically means that we will be getting $0 from the home (we were involved in a lawsuit that we should have won but didn’t because government). Now, what I’m putting on the Internet here is actually classified information that I really shouldn’t be telling anyone, but in the grand scheme of things that doesn’t matter, because millions of people experience this same kind of stuff and millions of lives have been destroyed by politicians. Granted, I already don’t like the government, and while I could outline the lawsuit in detail, I won’t because that actually is classified information (note my use of the word “classified” as though I am official).

This, of course, has caused a great deal of domestic conflict, but it’s mainly a result of vivacious outbursts that go too far and cause more vivacious outbursts. It’s crucial to note that I spend as much time as possible away from my immediate family because of these reasons. Despite this, however, I still seem to get involved in the most convoluted ways and end up being on one side or the other for simply stating the following: “I cannot help you because this is your problem, not mine.” First of all, as the child, it is not my responsibility to tell you how to spend money or handle your marital problems. Actually, that’s yours. Secondly, it is not my duty to take sides with you because you tell me one thing that is probably a result of biased opinion and exaggerated discourse. And third, you have no right to get mad at me for stating facts, such as: “I don’t know.” Let’s get real for a moment: I prefer spending time with my parents when they aren’t at all associated with each other. This is because they are focused on them instead of being focused on each other or talking about each other, particularly in negative lights. This is exactly why I told both of them in the past countless times that divorce might be good for them, even though it probably is way out of line for me to do that.

The other problem is that instead of seeing the good in me as my own person, my parents see only the parts of me that result from each other’s flaws, or at least that is what is vocalized most prominently. I can’t help the situation if I don’t have cooperation. Also, if you want me to respect you as my parent, then please respect me as your child. I am not brainwashed, nor am I “taking sides” as if this is some type of civil war. I’m simply playing along; if you want to talk to me, I’ll listen. But if you tell me not to say this or disclose this and that, well that’s where I have to draw some lines. I am not your keeper of marital secrets, and I actually find it funny how you can trust me with that. Now, that’s not to say that I’ll go out of my way to tell mom everything dad says. But let’s make one thing clear: I will not hesitate to disclose information if a question is asked that I know the answer to. If you cannot handle your own problems like adults and more importantly as a married couple, then you really should not be talking to me about them. Thus, do not make me the enemy when I cooperate because of your decision to involve me. If you have something to hide, then you should think twice before telling me about it because I don’t play dumb.

The problem is not my personality, but rather my role. This has pretty much been the extent of my summer; oh and I’m not starting college this month either because of these recent complications. Dad is still in Kentucky and should already be here, and my brother is currently in Pennsylvania. Go us! Listen, I care about my family, which is why I’m so firm about my points. But the fact is that I can’t fix this dynamic alone or at all really. We need to be working together, not against each other. Note that I am not looking for sympathy. Rather, I’m interested in hearing your thoughts, opinions, and/or experiences to any of the above-mentioned situations. Are you in the heat of domestic conflict? And if so, do you play dumb or be real? And if there are certain complications, are there reasons why you may react the way you do? I’m interested in hearing your perspectives.

An interesting read I must say.

You are definitely not alone in your experiences here, I myself have had similar things happen in my family. My parents had been arguing a lot during my childhood, not exactly fighting, but it was clear that they didn't want to be together anymore. I can't say it had a big negative effect on my upbringing, my parents always were serious in their parenting, especially during the earlier years. Though it did worsen as I was getting to my early teens, and when they told me (and my siblings) that they would seperate (not divorce since they were never actually married (yes I'm technically a bastard)) I wasn't surprised the least. I knew for years before that it would happen one day; though it did happen much later than I had anticipated. At that time I had started to tell myself it wouldn't happen, mostly just wishing, I knew deep down that it was inevitable.

I prefer spending time with my parents when they aren’t at all associated with each other.

I can relate to this. After the separation was official, my parents started to outright fight. I quickly became my father vs the rest of the family; he moved out and married another woman. Our relationship was terrible for about a year, and it didn't get better when I decided to, as you say, "be real". I was very vocal with my opinions on the matter and my father didn't agree at all. Now that a few years have passed our relationship has improved a lot, much thanks to my father in fact. He was willing to change and saw his wrongdoings, maybe because I decided to be real? Even though it was unpleasant at the time, being honest with how I felt might have saved our relationship in the end.

If you cannot handle your own problems like adults and more importantly as a married couple, then you really should not be talking to me about them.

Ah yes, marital problems seem to bring out the worst in some people. Supposed grown ups start to act like upset kids again. If you wanna look on the bright side of things, kids from rough upbringings usually walk out in life as more mature, stronger and wiser - as better people, than their parents.


What I get from your text is that you still want to fix the problems in your family, right? In my experience it's better to just let it be rathe than try to force something that isn't meant to happen. Of course, I don't know your situation, but just speaking my mind here Anyway, to finish off my story: even though things have got better lately, I'm still kinda sick of my family, hence why I'm going through the trouble to move to another city later this month. Could have stayed here in the capital, but imo it was best to do it this way. Every bird has to leave its nest at some point anyway.

Interesting story. It's great when bad situations result to better conclusions. I like to look forward to the fact that there will be a happy conclusion, and I'm sure that there will be, but it takes time to get there.

Kalle29 wrote: What I get from your text is that you still want to fix the problems in your family, right?

I suppose that rather than trying to fix the family, I just wish they would make up their mind about what they want. Like, I want them to be happy but I don't understand why they are forcing themselves into these problems that just drive them to be even more unhappy. But it affects all of us; their indecisiveness rubs off on the offspring, and it certainly has on my end. For example:

My parents collectively decided last August that they wanted to move Florida. I've expressed my disdain for this decision countless times, but in the end I realized that if that's where they would be happy, it would be selfish for me to put up a fight when I'm probably going to move out in the next 1-2 years. So, I quit my consistent paycheck and applied for a new college near the area we moved to this past May (which, by the way, is very late to be applying for college). Very recently, mom discloses information that she "never really wanted to move to Florida, but that she did so for dad." It has become recently apparent also that dad, who is still in Kentucky at the moment, has second thoughts about coming down at all. This has created a gaping hole in the family dynamic, which has caused mom to react in ways alluding to her desire to move back to Kentucky because apparently this was never her dream in the first place.

The reason this pisses me off is because I have no choice but to follow them in wherever they go, which is awful because they've proven that their communication and ability to execute plans that involve the entire family are unreliable. I'm about to get another job down here and I recently got accepted to a college near the area we moved. My brother still has no place to go to school... and moving back to Kentucky - the place we worked and gave so much up for to leave (including our old home) - will fix everyone's problems? I don't think so. And btw, if you're going to make plans to move somewhere and take your entire family with you, it's not a good idea to assume that we'll all be with you when you say that it's time to forget all that and leave just because you two aren't getting along. And I hate the whole "maybe it wasn't meant to be" because that's a terrible excuse for the fact that you let your emotions control your decisions, which in and of itself is terrible.

Kalle29 wrote: In my experience it's better to just let it be rather than try to force something that isn't meant to happen.

I believe that in most cases this would be great advice. Problem is that my parents have become so weirdly attached to their respective emotions towards each other that it leads to generally erratic behavior, based entirely on emotion (this recent complication as an example). So, sometimes it just feels necessary to intervene because I don't want to live my life constantly backpedalling on everything they decide. I respect my parents individually, and I really want to adhere to them as such, but I can't. When it comes to family and them making decisions together, they're like cancer. They are just too incompatible with each other and this most recent event was the icing on the cake. I don't want to constantly be putting my own life on hold because they can't agree on anything. But I should reiterate so as to not sound so negative: I like my parents individually. But I don't think they're happy when they're together, which makes me unhappy as well.

Kalle29 wrote: I'm still kinda sick of my family, hence why I'm going through the trouble to move to another city later this month. Could have stayed here in the capital, but imo it was best to do it this way. Every bird has to leave its nest at some point anyway.

Yeah, I'm working towards NYC.