Ashes and Anguish

Have you ever cared about someone, but you never showed it? In other words, could it be that you cared about someone, but you were so accustomed to his/her presence that you never changed the way you interact with him/her? I realize this topic seems trivial, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the few people that are currently in my life (mostly my family). We’re with each other 24/7, and I think that being together so much has caused some resentment. And, if by now you are familiar with my family’s dynamic, then you know that there are already a lot of flaws in our communication. However, we still care about each other. I mean, one would think that the reason we fight is because we care, right? It’s the same thing with people in relationships. Though not universally applicable, do you ever find yourself being with somebody so much that you begin to change the way you show how you care? When people say they need a ‘break’ from you, does that mean they are tired of your attitude? Or, could it mean that they want to distance themselves from you so that they can feel inclined to miss your presence again?

I’ve asked a lot of questions, but they are mostly just abstract ideas to consider. It’s an interesting thing to think about; the people who mean the most in my life right now are the people I have been in the most contention with. It’s certainly not abnormal, but it makes you question the general standard of what “caring” really is. I spend a lot of time alone, and I highly value that time because it’s when you’re alone that you are truly and wholly yourself. You don’t have to hide anything from anybody, and you can learn things about yourself. This is why I contravene the idea that being alone makes people depressed, because that isn’t unanimously accurate. People need time alone. But from personal experience, I can tell you that spending too much time alone makes you too comfortable keeping to yourself. What I’m saying is that the more you push people away, the easier it becomes, and the fewer people you’ll have close to you in your life.

One day, everyone in your life will pass away – your parents, friends, enemies, and so on. And while I can’t speak for everyone, I think it’s safe to say that nobody wants to live with regret – knowing that you never had a strong and proper closure with someone, and coming to terms with not being able to do anything about it. I have since tried changing the way I communicate with my family, because I wouldn’t want to have doubts about whether or not they knew I cared about them. It’s a common misconception that showing you care suggests an influx of positive emotions. But sometimes, showing you care means complicating your emotions, being honest, and not being afraid to show your humility. Too often, I see so many people act tough on the outside – as though they have it all together – even around people they love. Where’s the meaning in that? Expressing such emotions as embarrassment, sadness, and anxiety helps to build a sense of trustworthiness, because it shows your humanity. It shows people that you aren’t trying to hide anything – that you are just as human as they are.

I’ll be honest in that I was exactly like this in the past, even this past year. Throughout high school, I knew that I had very few friends, but I knew that those friends cared about me greatly. Yet, I still hid much of myself and my feelings, most likely because I took for granted the fact that I would see them every day. I’ve always had trust issues, but that’s still no excuse because I trusted my friends and knew that they cared. It’s the same way with my family. I know they care, but do they know that I care? Recently, I have been talking to my family more often, taking my parents to different places and such – creating memories, even in the midst of conflict. I can already sense that my relationship with my dad is improving, albeit slowly. Sometimes, it takes outlandish circumstances for that; and while there is still a long road ahead, I’m choosing to improve my well-being. What I’ve learned is that sometimes, you need to live through hell before you come to truly appreciate the beautiful things in life.

Never let the people close to you go, because no matter what happens in your life, there are always people who care about you. Whether it’s your family or your friends, or even someone you have not met yet, make sure you have someone to talk to when you need it. Keeping everything locked inside is not only unhealthy, but it deteriorates your well-being and can lead to depression; I can tell you that from first-hand experience. I’ve lived through ashes and anguish – losing people important to me, wishing that I were more open to them. But, I’ve learned that showing a person that you care is worth more than telling other people you're "okay" and forcing yourself to keep everything inside just because you don’t want to put a burden on somebody else. Realize that every single person on the face of this earth has problems; sharing them with each other builds trust, respectability, and unity. Having said that, go ahead and take people in your life for granted, because one day you won’t be able to anymore.