Sometimes I wonder...
Sometimes I wonder...
What would life be like if I hadn't found this game? Would I be a different person? Probably. I mean that in a good and bad way.
I want to talk about something that I've struggled with for years, and it relates to playing video games, and life in general.
I feel as if I haven't been able to enjoy life over the last while. Don't worry, I haven't had any thoughts of killing myself, but rather I've had struggles with enjoying things in the sense of perfectionism and anxiety. I think I know the reason for that.
It's this game.
Let me explain - speedrunning (and anxiety) for me has fuelled a sense of perfectionism. What is perfectionism though? How does that relate to speedrunning or just general gameplay?
Perfectionism, I think, is defined as someone wanting to be flawless in everything they do. This could be anything and it can range from getting the best score in a game, the best time on the road, or even viewing people as perfect (I've struggled with hyperfxiations on people for years too, and that's not healthy). In that regard, I've struggled with it for years, and I feel as if I couldn't enjoy things. Until now.
Everytime I made a mistake doing anything, I would get so angry and I wouldn't enjoy the actual process of doing something. I felt as if I needed to do this perfectly or I would class myself as a failure and fly off the handle. Speedrunning was no exception, Marble Blast especially.
I'm now working on my anxiety and anger with professionals who I hope will keep me on the right track.It's funny actually, I was out practicing my shooting just the other day there (in Hurling you can score points over the bar or into the goal (over = 1 point, goal = 3 points)) and although I made some mistakes, I actually enjoyed doing it, and enjoyed learning about myself and what i'm capable of. I have a long way to go but I think I'm slowly improving - slow progress is still progress.
As for Marble Blast though, I sort of knew October's rating race would be my last event. I was more relieved that it was over than actually playing, and that says a lot to be honest.
Still though, I won't be uploading, I won't be playing, I won't be streaming the game, I'm just done with it.
And that's okay with me. I don't have to justify myself.
What would life be like if I hadn't found this game? Would I be a different person? Probably. I mean that in a good and bad way.
I want to talk about something that I've struggled with for years, and it relates to playing video games, and life in general.
I feel as if I haven't been able to enjoy life over the last while. Don't worry, I haven't had any thoughts of killing myself, but rather I've had struggles with enjoying things in the sense of perfectionism and anxiety. I think I know the reason for that.
It's this game.
Let me explain - speedrunning (and anxiety) for me has fuelled a sense of perfectionism. What is perfectionism though? How does that relate to speedrunning or just general gameplay?
Perfectionism, I think, is defined as someone wanting to be flawless in everything they do. This could be anything and it can range from getting the best score in a game, the best time on the road, or even viewing people as perfect (I've struggled with hyperfxiations on people for years too, and that's not healthy). In that regard, I've struggled with it for years, and I feel as if I couldn't enjoy things. Until now.
Everytime I made a mistake doing anything, I would get so angry and I wouldn't enjoy the actual process of doing something. I felt as if I needed to do this perfectly or I would class myself as a failure and fly off the handle. Speedrunning was no exception, Marble Blast especially.
I'm now working on my anxiety and anger with professionals who I hope will keep me on the right track.It's funny actually, I was out practicing my shooting just the other day there (in Hurling you can score points over the bar or into the goal (over = 1 point, goal = 3 points)) and although I made some mistakes, I actually enjoyed doing it, and enjoyed learning about myself and what i'm capable of. I have a long way to go but I think I'm slowly improving - slow progress is still progress.
As for Marble Blast though, I sort of knew October's rating race would be my last event. I was more relieved that it was over than actually playing, and that says a lot to be honest.
Still though, I won't be uploading, I won't be playing, I won't be streaming the game, I'm just done with it.
And that's okay with me. I don't have to justify myself.