Genius Tournament Strategies to Win More of your Matches

In honor of the start of the tournament, I'm voluntarily giving away all of my secret strategies that let me win so many rounds in the past. Be careful not to do too many of these at the same time or people will get suspicious.

• Pick your opponent's best map: Such an extreme show of dominance will psych them out and cause them to play worse.
• Use voice chat: Spectators can (and will) tell you how to improve your mistakes, and if your opponent joins the call you can distract them by making heinous amounts of puns while they try to play.
• Rig your matches: Before the tournament starts, convince hPerks to miscalculate your seed in order to get easier matches. This works best when the revised lineup includes a match that he really wants to see.
• Play with a trackpad: You can get extremely fast camera movements without any of the arm strain from using a mouse.
• Lag your internet: This might sound weird, but having a slow connection lets you pick up gems you would otherwise have missed due to latency interpolation correction mispredictions thinking you actually hit the gem.
• Abuse bugs: Pick "Fake Big Marble 3" and hit respawn immediately after the match starts. The game will get confused about how large you're supposed to be and give you permanent mega marble.
• Alt F4: PQ crashes enough that people will believe this, even multiple times in a row. Free retry because everyone is too nice to take the win.
• Use cell data tethering: Because, let's face it, your phone has a faster connection than your crappy WiFi does.
• Spam voice taunts: The massive amount of sound effects will lag your opponent's game and give you an advantage.
• Use two controllers: Little known fact, if you connect two controllers you can roll twice as fast. This doesn't seem to work with keyboard though.
• Be "interrupted": If a "friend" distracts you in the middle of a match you're losing, then you can ask for a redo and get another chance at winning.
• Get mad: The adrenaline rush will supercharge your reactions and "seeing red" is just a pun about getting every red gem before your opponent.
• Run your own server: Did you know that dedicated servers let you run any command you want? The possibilities are endless.
• Win by default: If you know when your opponent can't be online, say that's the only time you can. Make sure you spend more of the week online than them so you automatically win.
• Wash your keyboard: Because otherwise you're going to get it all sweaty and your fingers will slip.
• Spawn camp: Literally. Get a sleeping bag and go find a river where fish are hatching.
• Argue with the witness: If you ever lose a round, claim you actually won. If you are stubborn enough you can gaslight them into giving you the win.
• Clever marketing: Make a big list of bad ideas in the hopes that someone accidentally follows one in your match and gives you an advantage.
• Social engineering: Change your display name and color to someone who has an easier opponent so you can play their game instead of yours.
• Edit the missions: If you change all the red gems to blue gems in your copy of the mis file, then you can get five times more points than your opponent.
• Outsource: Have Matan play for you by using TeamViewer and letting him control your PC.

If you follow these strategies (in moderation, like webchat moderation) then you will start seeing results immediately. Good luck, and happy winning!

Wow, thanks! I also heard that pressing W, A, and D all at the same time can go even faster than diagonal movement!

become a mod and kick your opponent during the match

Practice blindfolded: You'll be forced to play without a visual, so you will truly be a master of a level since you can play it with your thoughts and sense of sound alone.

you forgot about moving to some place like Wales where the internet is really bad so that you have 200 mbps to tsuf even though you're in the UK. -_-

During my first match I also learned that a handy way to win is to have popups come up while you're in the match so that you can't move your camera but also can't get out of the game

Kidnap Frosty one year before the next toruney, restrict his access to internet, force him to play PQ in your basement all day and have him play on your account during the toruney.

Snowbert wrote: Kidnap Frosty one year before the next toruney, restrict his access to internet, force him to play PQ in your basement all day and have him play on your account during the toruney.

What if he tells everyone in global chat, tho?