It's been a harsh life
One idiom that could really explain this in nutshell; "jack of all trades". Please note that I have never had intention to be arrogant or full of myself in this long writing. I apologize if my words offends the community or you.
I once was a noob, and could be really said that I was having autism. In the early years I joined this forums (January 2011), if you were already here that time, you probably know how were my attitude and my grammar that time. It's just really the matter of time, experience, and invective from people that turned me to a better person. I personally don't want or even intend to be that noob and autistic, but probably it just come right away from birth. My ability to communicate is really low, even I don't think that I can write this post in good english. That might be acceptable since english is not a primary language in my country, but the same thing also happened when I'm using my native language. Once again, I never intend or want this to happen.
This would really be a long flashback.
I was ignored at school, nobody cares with me, everybody hates me, I was bullied verbally from the front and back. That happened to me since first I came to junior high school. The reason of them is just because I was noob and autistic. I never realized that, because in physiology, a person can't tell if he/she is having autism. So do I, at that time, I never know everyone hates my behavior. I think it's because probably my parents always gives anything before I want to (and I never realize this, my parents told me that).
Gaming was part of my life, because I was introduced to it since I was a kid. And, actually, it's really not my decision to become a gamer. I become a gamer until now, just because I was bulled. Everyone said that I am not a boy (which probably lead to my girlish behaviour), and I thought gamer is a symbol of a boy, so I become a gamer.
Then I was introduced to Marble Blast Forums in January 2010, and my first posts were about my custom levels, which everybody liked. In the span of 13 years in my life, that was my first time ever that people liked what I create and did. There was a new post everyday, and all of them were positive. Since then, I really like being in the community, but my mistake is that I like the community because they really liked my custom levels, which then led to the horrible Marble Blast Adventure. People then dislike and give critics to that horrible mod, and it's become worse because of my behavior that time. People than criticized me. I was no different than powerjohn.
From this community, I was introduced to Jeff, then DorbakMato, then finally, Mason, who become my best friend from this community. My attitude then become better every time they were mad because of my behavior (I remembered once I was really ambitious to make a rampage, just because I want to choose the music for it, then Jeff and nobody asked me the reason of my ambitiousness), and also by the time people liked and respected my work for Marble Blast Elite.
Times then flew, I was having a time where I had little internet connection because of my house renovation, which caused me to be off from the forums for almost a year (not that off though). I left the community while still thinking that this community is a really nice place to stay and everybody welcomed me good. My attitude was way better, because I finally have a best and good friend at school, which previously I never have in my entire life.
At this time, things starts to become a wave, thought it may have been a wave before. I finally experienced for the first time of having a good friend at senior high school, but this time, a girl. My behaviour wasn't that good even though was better. One person who knew my history from junior high school then tell everybody about my old behaviour and convince others to not be friends with me. That then makes me really sad, because even though my attitude had improved a lot, it would be nothing because nobody wanted to be friends with me. I have no choice then except to keep my friends (two girls).
Meanwhile in the marble blast forums, which had been changed into new website at that time, people still welcomed me nicely, and still replied to even small post of mine, until slowly, nobody cares anymore. From my blog posts which never been replied or even my posts which never been replied. Heavy school tasks forces me to left the community and then, I develop more friendship with two girls.
For the first time in forever, I made a girl upset and sad, but at that time, I never intend or know that I was doing wrong. And she could understand me that time.
Fast forward again to mid 2014, where I decided to leave the community because less attention came to me comparing with what I got years ago. My life at school was also harsh. I failed to qualify to national science olympiad for chemistry, my best friend (girl) didn't care anymore with me, and I was placed on the worst class. I was really unlucky. I just feel that I have no hope at that time. Then suddenly I have an idea to make Marble Blast GLC, which eventually released. It still got attention like I was expecting, and I was happy that I can prove myself that I can make a good mod. Why I can make a good mod? Because I want to show people that I wasn't that MBAd creator anymore. I can produce a better mod, and that's because people ignored me, didn't care with me, and many more, and that's what make me jack of all trades.
Times flew, and 2015 came, which turned out to be my best year ever in my life. I finally won a bronze at national science olympiad, qualified to the second national training for IChO (though failed eventually), and make a lot of new friends at the national training, which people curse, yes curse me that it's impossible for me to have friends there. Then I met a new friend who turned out to love me. It was on the same era/moments when undertale was out when she told me that she loves me, and I do the same after I convinced myself from what happened to me in the past. Though I wasn't playing more marble blast that time because of school.
But, 2016 seems a really horrible year for me. First, I failed to qualify to the third natonal training for IChO, I failed to get a perfect score on chemistry national exam (which is a disgrace for a person who won bronze on chemistry nationals), and people begin to ignore me a lot. I just don't like being regulated by my school mates which previously was convinced not to be friends with me. I was on 12th grade, while the girl who love me was 10th, and I also made lots of friends in 10th grade.
And the disaster happened.
Mason knows that I am used to be the fastest sport stacker in Indonesia. Before stacking becomes popular in my country, I was the fastest stacker, and almost nobody knows me, except Mason. I was the first person in Indonesia who gets a 6 seconds cycle. Then new stackers appeared, and they got famous instantly! How come? I just don't know. They know me though, but most people doesn't. There's one who created a video of top 10 seconds cycles in Indonesia, while the 10th was 8 seconds, and I am not there! Mason was a bit mad because of that, and so do I. The most unfortunate thing is that, on an stacking event, whenever TV station come to shoot videos of stacking, I can't join, but whenever I can participate, there was no TV, and even there was few people coming.
Okay, last june I went to my first stacking comp, and I successfully become the fastest stacker in Indonesia, but ironically, I almost become the ONLY ONE who didn't win! Then the next day I released GLC 2, which never get much attention from people. I just don't understand why god really doesn't want me to be known. Even after GLC 2 was released, nobody cares about the thread! I think matan cares more about happyroll and mbstop than two of my GLC mods so he didn't streamed it (I understand he is so busy with his life though, but I just hate being unlucky!). I am honestly a fan of matan, because if he commented good on something, it means that it's good, and then attracts anyone to play. I never see matan played any of what I created for the community. My intention to make GLC 2 is to make people play it, make videos and enjoy, but seems no matter how good my mod is, nobody cares me. Even some of the members threaten me like I am a new member! I just don't want to be full of myself to say that I am already here before you. I keep my patient, not to mad. Until I found out nobody cares GLC 2 anymore! Even no download post after more than a month, while mbstop had it place on the downloads shortly after the release. On the past times of MBAd, every mods always gets ratings by matan or others, but it never happened to me for BOTH of my GLC, so how come I know my mod is good or no? Actually, I had expected this to happen, but I tried not to angry and get explosive. Then in three days in a row, I had a dream being ignored in a class, nobody wants with me, and I was in the leftover group when asked to make groups.
Last thing, I just can't tell this story to anyone, since the girl who loved me was really busy. I understand her, but my situation wasn't usual. I never been this frustrated, disappointed, and down like this. Like, I prayed every day, believe in god, and make god the head in my body and soul ,but what I got is just, ignorance, unlucky moments, and then, breakup! I almost want to commit suicide because of this. I just can't hold this anymore! I can't pretend to have nothing happened anymore.I just lost my common sense, until Thailand immigration officers suspect me something suspicious, and I began to be annoying, but I can't handle this anymore. I just need people who care with me, which I never had. It's just me exploding exothermically if compared similarly.
Yes, yesterday I broke up with that girl, which is the only remaining friends of me! When people don't care me, and people think bad of me, I lost my last life. I was the moment I began throwing anything in my room, and almost want to suicide again, no! not suicide anymore, but harakiri. (harakiri is a suicide in japan if people can't get good reputations anymore). I almost want to harakiri because it's my second time and I do the same mistake again. I can't believe this all happening to me, like a domino effect. Stacks of bad luck and unluckiness comes to me in a row, and I started to lost my common sense and mind. I am unstable this moment, but I'm trying not to. And also another the truth is.. One True Faith, the music from GLC 2 was made after her, and for me, it's just like her theme. Now Always the Adventure is also another music that I named after her. The song title is an acronym of her name. It's can be imagined how heartbroken I am, and how deeply frustrated I am, combined with all things happened to me.
Just I can't believe how good I'm at keeping secrets these days. Even after those thing happened to me. Holiday is only a month left, And I hope that comes really quick. I need friends to talk, to share, and to tell my stories. I would do anything so I can have it. It sounds really crazy, right? For a normal, usual, member in this forums to express things this long. Well, since this is my blog space, I have right to do it.
I still believe in god that I can get a better future, but though I'm still unstable right now. I'm just really glad that now I can keep secrets, but the consequences will be being suspicious for most people like happened to me at Thai immigration. But i'm just don't understand why this happened. I know this post can't make GLC 2 more popular, or even people to play it and make videos more, or even make my subscribers and views increased. I just thought this is still a nice place to stay, but no, I might be wrong.
Last thing. If you realize, GLC 2 is a mod to express my happiness, while GLC is to express my sorrow. But now, I'm still in a sorrow and desperate. Indonesian teenagers often say this condition as "galau", which personally, I think it means you are in a condition where you don't know what to do and you can't think to a certain situation, it's also possible to be said galau if you thought of your past from ex or from embarrasing/sad moments.. I think I will stay away from GLC 2, not really the mod though, just the music and the atmosphere because of my galau.
At this moment, I am still galau, and I don't know what to do. I just want to express anything in my mind in this letter. I don't care anymore with my life, if my destiny is to have all bad luck to come. I also don't think that anyone would read this many, or even care. And I think you won't believe that I am actually writing all of this, to this place. In summary, being jack of all trades dosen't make any changes, I am just an unlucky person by destiny. Once again, I have never had intention to be arrogant or full of myself in this long writing. I apologize from deepest of my heart if my words offends the community or you.
I once was a noob, and could be really said that I was having autism. In the early years I joined this forums (January 2011), if you were already here that time, you probably know how were my attitude and my grammar that time. It's just really the matter of time, experience, and invective from people that turned me to a better person. I personally don't want or even intend to be that noob and autistic, but probably it just come right away from birth. My ability to communicate is really low, even I don't think that I can write this post in good english. That might be acceptable since english is not a primary language in my country, but the same thing also happened when I'm using my native language. Once again, I never intend or want this to happen.
This would really be a long flashback.
I was ignored at school, nobody cares with me, everybody hates me, I was bullied verbally from the front and back. That happened to me since first I came to junior high school. The reason of them is just because I was noob and autistic. I never realized that, because in physiology, a person can't tell if he/she is having autism. So do I, at that time, I never know everyone hates my behavior. I think it's because probably my parents always gives anything before I want to (and I never realize this, my parents told me that).
Gaming was part of my life, because I was introduced to it since I was a kid. And, actually, it's really not my decision to become a gamer. I become a gamer until now, just because I was bulled. Everyone said that I am not a boy (which probably lead to my girlish behaviour), and I thought gamer is a symbol of a boy, so I become a gamer.
Then I was introduced to Marble Blast Forums in January 2010, and my first posts were about my custom levels, which everybody liked. In the span of 13 years in my life, that was my first time ever that people liked what I create and did. There was a new post everyday, and all of them were positive. Since then, I really like being in the community, but my mistake is that I like the community because they really liked my custom levels, which then led to the horrible Marble Blast Adventure. People then dislike and give critics to that horrible mod, and it's become worse because of my behavior that time. People than criticized me. I was no different than powerjohn.
From this community, I was introduced to Jeff, then DorbakMato, then finally, Mason, who become my best friend from this community. My attitude then become better every time they were mad because of my behavior (I remembered once I was really ambitious to make a rampage, just because I want to choose the music for it, then Jeff and nobody asked me the reason of my ambitiousness), and also by the time people liked and respected my work for Marble Blast Elite.
Times then flew, I was having a time where I had little internet connection because of my house renovation, which caused me to be off from the forums for almost a year (not that off though). I left the community while still thinking that this community is a really nice place to stay and everybody welcomed me good. My attitude was way better, because I finally have a best and good friend at school, which previously I never have in my entire life.
At this time, things starts to become a wave, thought it may have been a wave before. I finally experienced for the first time of having a good friend at senior high school, but this time, a girl. My behaviour wasn't that good even though was better. One person who knew my history from junior high school then tell everybody about my old behaviour and convince others to not be friends with me. That then makes me really sad, because even though my attitude had improved a lot, it would be nothing because nobody wanted to be friends with me. I have no choice then except to keep my friends (two girls).
Meanwhile in the marble blast forums, which had been changed into new website at that time, people still welcomed me nicely, and still replied to even small post of mine, until slowly, nobody cares anymore. From my blog posts which never been replied or even my posts which never been replied. Heavy school tasks forces me to left the community and then, I develop more friendship with two girls.
For the first time in forever, I made a girl upset and sad, but at that time, I never intend or know that I was doing wrong. And she could understand me that time.
Fast forward again to mid 2014, where I decided to leave the community because less attention came to me comparing with what I got years ago. My life at school was also harsh. I failed to qualify to national science olympiad for chemistry, my best friend (girl) didn't care anymore with me, and I was placed on the worst class. I was really unlucky. I just feel that I have no hope at that time. Then suddenly I have an idea to make Marble Blast GLC, which eventually released. It still got attention like I was expecting, and I was happy that I can prove myself that I can make a good mod. Why I can make a good mod? Because I want to show people that I wasn't that MBAd creator anymore. I can produce a better mod, and that's because people ignored me, didn't care with me, and many more, and that's what make me jack of all trades.
Times flew, and 2015 came, which turned out to be my best year ever in my life. I finally won a bronze at national science olympiad, qualified to the second national training for IChO (though failed eventually), and make a lot of new friends at the national training, which people curse, yes curse me that it's impossible for me to have friends there. Then I met a new friend who turned out to love me. It was on the same era/moments when undertale was out when she told me that she loves me, and I do the same after I convinced myself from what happened to me in the past. Though I wasn't playing more marble blast that time because of school.
But, 2016 seems a really horrible year for me. First, I failed to qualify to the third natonal training for IChO, I failed to get a perfect score on chemistry national exam (which is a disgrace for a person who won bronze on chemistry nationals), and people begin to ignore me a lot. I just don't like being regulated by my school mates which previously was convinced not to be friends with me. I was on 12th grade, while the girl who love me was 10th, and I also made lots of friends in 10th grade.
And the disaster happened.
Mason knows that I am used to be the fastest sport stacker in Indonesia. Before stacking becomes popular in my country, I was the fastest stacker, and almost nobody knows me, except Mason. I was the first person in Indonesia who gets a 6 seconds cycle. Then new stackers appeared, and they got famous instantly! How come? I just don't know. They know me though, but most people doesn't. There's one who created a video of top 10 seconds cycles in Indonesia, while the 10th was 8 seconds, and I am not there! Mason was a bit mad because of that, and so do I. The most unfortunate thing is that, on an stacking event, whenever TV station come to shoot videos of stacking, I can't join, but whenever I can participate, there was no TV, and even there was few people coming.
Okay, last june I went to my first stacking comp, and I successfully become the fastest stacker in Indonesia, but ironically, I almost become the ONLY ONE who didn't win! Then the next day I released GLC 2, which never get much attention from people. I just don't understand why god really doesn't want me to be known. Even after GLC 2 was released, nobody cares about the thread! I think matan cares more about happyroll and mbstop than two of my GLC mods so he didn't streamed it (I understand he is so busy with his life though, but I just hate being unlucky!). I am honestly a fan of matan, because if he commented good on something, it means that it's good, and then attracts anyone to play. I never see matan played any of what I created for the community. My intention to make GLC 2 is to make people play it, make videos and enjoy, but seems no matter how good my mod is, nobody cares me. Even some of the members threaten me like I am a new member! I just don't want to be full of myself to say that I am already here before you. I keep my patient, not to mad. Until I found out nobody cares GLC 2 anymore! Even no download post after more than a month, while mbstop had it place on the downloads shortly after the release. On the past times of MBAd, every mods always gets ratings by matan or others, but it never happened to me for BOTH of my GLC, so how come I know my mod is good or no? Actually, I had expected this to happen, but I tried not to angry and get explosive. Then in three days in a row, I had a dream being ignored in a class, nobody wants with me, and I was in the leftover group when asked to make groups.
Last thing, I just can't tell this story to anyone, since the girl who loved me was really busy. I understand her, but my situation wasn't usual. I never been this frustrated, disappointed, and down like this. Like, I prayed every day, believe in god, and make god the head in my body and soul ,but what I got is just, ignorance, unlucky moments, and then, breakup! I almost want to commit suicide because of this. I just can't hold this anymore! I can't pretend to have nothing happened anymore.I just lost my common sense, until Thailand immigration officers suspect me something suspicious, and I began to be annoying, but I can't handle this anymore. I just need people who care with me, which I never had. It's just me exploding exothermically if compared similarly.
Yes, yesterday I broke up with that girl, which is the only remaining friends of me! When people don't care me, and people think bad of me, I lost my last life. I was the moment I began throwing anything in my room, and almost want to suicide again, no! not suicide anymore, but harakiri. (harakiri is a suicide in japan if people can't get good reputations anymore). I almost want to harakiri because it's my second time and I do the same mistake again. I can't believe this all happening to me, like a domino effect. Stacks of bad luck and unluckiness comes to me in a row, and I started to lost my common sense and mind. I am unstable this moment, but I'm trying not to. And also another the truth is.. One True Faith, the music from GLC 2 was made after her, and for me, it's just like her theme. Now Always the Adventure is also another music that I named after her. The song title is an acronym of her name. It's can be imagined how heartbroken I am, and how deeply frustrated I am, combined with all things happened to me.
Just I can't believe how good I'm at keeping secrets these days. Even after those thing happened to me. Holiday is only a month left, And I hope that comes really quick. I need friends to talk, to share, and to tell my stories. I would do anything so I can have it. It sounds really crazy, right? For a normal, usual, member in this forums to express things this long. Well, since this is my blog space, I have right to do it.
I still believe in god that I can get a better future, but though I'm still unstable right now. I'm just really glad that now I can keep secrets, but the consequences will be being suspicious for most people like happened to me at Thai immigration. But i'm just don't understand why this happened. I know this post can't make GLC 2 more popular, or even people to play it and make videos more, or even make my subscribers and views increased. I just thought this is still a nice place to stay, but no, I might be wrong.
Last thing. If you realize, GLC 2 is a mod to express my happiness, while GLC is to express my sorrow. But now, I'm still in a sorrow and desperate. Indonesian teenagers often say this condition as "galau", which personally, I think it means you are in a condition where you don't know what to do and you can't think to a certain situation, it's also possible to be said galau if you thought of your past from ex or from embarrasing/sad moments.. I think I will stay away from GLC 2, not really the mod though, just the music and the atmosphere because of my galau.
At this moment, I am still galau, and I don't know what to do. I just want to express anything in my mind in this letter. I don't care anymore with my life, if my destiny is to have all bad luck to come. I also don't think that anyone would read this many, or even care. And I think you won't believe that I am actually writing all of this, to this place. In summary, being jack of all trades dosen't make any changes, I am just an unlucky person by destiny. Once again, I have never had intention to be arrogant or full of myself in this long writing. I apologize from deepest of my heart if my words offends the community or you.
I'm just an ordinary marble blaster who like to create new and unusual things.
Creator of the Marble Blast GLC series
Check out and download my custom levels here .
Check out my original musics in this thread and in my soundcloud here .
