School Woes

Well, I feel like I should apologize for delivering another blog about something critical and negative, but the essay I wrote two years ago was extremely helpful for my recovery. I hope this one has similar therapeutic effects.

The past two summer breaks have been absolutely phenomenal. Summer of 2016 I considered to be my favorite summer in recent memory; a stark contrast to the nightmare that was the school year that preceded. I actually made significant progress on a blog post that covered everything I did that summer, but it was so jam-packed that I didn't have time to finish it.

The summer of 2017 I would say now rivals 2016 for my favorite summer break. While this past summer wasn't as busy as the one before, I had an amazing time at cubing Nationals, my fourth time going and by far my favorite of the bunch. Shortly after, I took a two week long trip to China, where I met some really awesome people and had the experience of a lifetime. Even now that I'm home, I feel like the China trip helped me change my attitude for the better. I'm more motivated to work out, practice my hobbies, and reach out to a lot of my older friends.

If everything is all fine and dandy, then why write? Well, today I went to my high school for schedule pick-up, among other things. My schedule is humorously small, courtesy of university classes—I only have three classes at my high school, all in the morning. I was only there for about 20 minutes, but I didn’t really like it. The social interactions were pretty awkward, and it got me thinking about school.

Only a few hours ago I went to video call my friend from the China trip, something I promised her I would do the day before. But I never did hit that call button. A wave of anxiety hit me before I could do anything. I started thinking to myself. I’ve been talking to friends nonstop for the past few weeks, so what the heck changed? Why get so nervous all of a sudden? This weird anxiety, one without a known source… it reminded me of my previous essay about depression. Not a pleasant thought.

I took a nighttime walk to try and get my head straight. What was it that suddenly made me so worked up? Well, the only thing that was different about today was me going to school. And that’s when it hit me like a ten-pound catfish—school is doing this to me. It definitely makes sense, seeing that my past two summers were fantastic but the past three school years were either ‘meh’ or downright hellish.

Allow me to elaborate on my thoughts about school. I’ve grown to despise school, but not in the common way; I don’t think anyone appreciates getting up early or doing lengthy homework assignments. Instead, I don’t like my spot on the social hierarchy, and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. Throughout my high school career, I’ve felt like a total outsider. I don’t really have any place at school events like football games, and I’m usually the leftover person when picking groups. Even in our school choir, which should be a group of like-minded individuals, I never really feel like I belong. For that reason, I was negligent to join any more clubs or organizations this year.

I don’t really like my grade. Not to say that they are bad people, but I don’t really get along with any of them. I’ve been through so many different friend ‘groups’ at this point, and they’ve chewed me up and spit me out. The group I hung out with in 7th grade kind of dissolved. The more jock-esque group I was with in the 8th grade decided to abandon me after one person (also a bully in elementary school) out of the blue decided we weren’t cool anymore. A smaller group I kind of interacted with for several years I started to have doubts about semi-recently, and my suspicions were confirmed when they effectively ditched me in Ann Arbor. And I often think that if I don’t get along with so many people, then surely I’m the one at fault. You can bet that absolutely does not help my self-esteem.

I’ve tried to rekindle these lost relationships to no avail. I actually had a really good discussion with my best friend from the jock-esque group at a football game, but the following day in a school setting he wouldn’t even give me the time of day. Same thing happened with one of my friends from 7th grade—he pretty much ignored me when I tried to strike a conversation, but when his other friend showed up he lit up like a Christmas tree.

And it's not like I can't make friends. I was actually really close with my brother’s grade, two years older, but they graduated two years ago. I still keep in touch with a couple of them, though. In my university classes last year, also with people two years older than myself, my classmates and I got along quite nicely. And I usually do pretty well socially at cubing tournaments. But when it comes to talking with my grade level, it's all awkward. That even extends to the teachers sometimes. You know, when depression is a bitch and insomnia keeps me up at night, it's not the most welcome thing to hear a teacher tell you to “go to bed earlier” as if it were that simple. I know they mean well, but they don't even know half of the story, and it's so disheartening.

More about school directly, my grades have also dropped over time. I attribute this to the fact that I never really learned how to study. After breezing through elementary and middle school, studying rigorously is foreign to me. Whenever there's a big test, I'm at a loss for ways to study. I went from being considered the smartest person in my grade to not even being in the 50th percentile for GPA. Not as big of a deal as the other stuff, but it certainly doesn't help this whole ‘high school experience’ thing.

It's really unfortunate, too. I actually loved elementary school, and junior high gave me some of my most cherished memories. It's a real shame that my time in high school has been so poor. I entered every year optimistically, but high school has sent me through a world of hurt.

When I was stupidly sick for several months, it was comforting to finally get the diagnosis of pneumonia, so I knew what steps to take to get better. Likewise, it's comforting to finally figure out what's been keeping me down all along. It's not the anxiety pills I've experimented with for so long—it's school. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do about that. I have a full year of high school left, whether I like it or not. (As a side note, I'm currently clean from taking anxiety pills, and I consider that to be a nice victory.)

I know it seems like paranoia to extrapolate all of this from a single unfavorable 20-minute experience at schedule pickup and a video call I didn't make. And as someone who preached the “let's just see what happens” mentality to myself and others all summer long, this is a whole lot of overthinking. But it has gotten me thinking, and I'm glad it did. I don't have a great feeling about this year. I keep telling myself that I just need to get through it, graduate, and never have to worry about these people ever again. But I know that deep down, I just want to have one good year at Ottawa Hills. The potential is there, too—for example, the aforementioned person who I was trying to video chat might be coming to my school’s homecoming. I've never been to homecoming for various reasons, (some of these reasons were outlined in my previous essay) so if that works out, I will be very, very happy.

Which is why I've made it my personal goal to keep the momentum going. Naturally, I want to keep in touch with my online friends, and continue exercising often and going through life with a smile. Those are the things that made the past two summers so fun and memorable.

Not sure how I will go about doing that. Hopefully I can figure it out in the next 5 days.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

"And I often think that if I don’t get along with so many people, then surely I’m the one at fault. You can bet that absolutely does not help my self-esteem."
I can imagine that's how that makes you feel, but neither are 'at fault', to me it seems that there's some sort of age gap between you and the people from your grade (even though there might not áctually be an age gap). The fact that you maintain friendships with people from your brother's grade could be a sign that you are simply ahead in development, emotionally. Which isn't a bad thing, or something you should want to change really.

"I don’t like my spot on the social hierarchy, and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it."
Even though it's difficult to do so, I think the best thing you can do about this is accept the fact that this isn't something you have control over. You seem to be initiating a lot of the contact you have with people from your grade, have you ever tried to take a step back and give people a chance to initiate contact with you? (Basing this on what I understand from your post, not sure whether this is actually something that could help).

"I attribute this to the fact that I never really learned how to study."
I'm going through that exact same issue at the moment. We've actually had some classes specifically about the psychology of learning. One of the things that I feel could be helpful is knowing that people tend to remember most from the end of a session, a bit less from the start of a session and remember the least from the time spent inbetween. This can be helpful for when you have, for example, one difficult class you have to study for and an easier one, study the difficult one first, then the easier one and then go back to the difficult one.
Here are a few tips that can give you some ideas of how to study: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/200911/eight-ways-remember-anything

Hope this helps you in any way!

WOW. I honestly feel like I've just peeked into a mirror. An complicated experience that I had in the past two weeks (also away in a foreign country, Greece though ) set me on a track of thought over these past few days quite similar to yours -- becoming more of a loner, insecure, social difficulties in my case beginning high school where I likely won't know anyone, etc. I could go on for quite a while but this blog is about you, not me. And I can say that recently this community has really been my home. Everyone here are the people I look forward to being close to nowadays -- a community of people, many of whom also seem to be on their own for a lot of the time. So just saying, from my perspective, that everyone here -- myself included -- are here for you. I'm almost certain that if you spend time in this group who helped you get over your troubles 2 years ago things can only go up. I'm glad you told us about your issues, and we're happy to listen -- I totally agree with what Regi has been saying, trying different social approaches, studying approaches, etc. And, I hope this helps you -- what I've done lately is tried to enjoy these things in life like Marble Blast, good time with my family, seeing sports games, while also realizing that the things that worry me round the bend, and the difficulties which are bound to occur, will likely not be permanent. I can think of plenty of things down the road in the more distant future that will be potential for bright spots, so I encourage you to try to do the same.

Here's to your success,
~Eguy

I am sorry to hear about your struggles, but I am really glad you decided to share such personal feelings with us, it definitely helps to relieve the depression by simply expressing what you feel.

I do resonate with your difficulties in socializing with peers, I don't get along with pretty much all of my classmates, 'we are not on the same channel', is what we usually use to describe such a situation here. One thing I find helpful to me is to make friends with people studying different subjects than yourself. Maybe because of the lack of direct academic conflict, people studying different subjects could bond better. For example, I studied Science, but my best friends from high school studied Geography/Economics.

Also, it may be true that your best friend gave you an attitude when you needed help, but there could be more than what meets the eye. Perhaps he was having a bad day as well and said something he didn't mean to. It would be a pity to end a friendship on a misunderstanding. If you do cherish him/her as your best friend and feel like he/she shouldn't act that way, then do talk to him/her later and make sure you don't misinterpret each other. If he/she continues to act rudely, then perhaps he/she really isn't a good friend and should the friendship ends, it will be a good riddance.

This is just my opinion, I am sorry if I offended you or your friends in any way. I do have a few learning techniques myself, we can talk more if you are interested.

Went through similar session during my primary/highschool years.
Oddly highscool was the best time for me, that was the time I learned to take things more easily and not take everything to heart. Those where the years i perfected art of not overthinking. People where the same, I was still the outsider and the feeling on ''alieanation'' still happened but things where a lot more fun and on my side I was enjoying my time (even though only after 2 years I discovered that the couple of people who I was thinking where supporting me in class where actually using me a bit to boost their own ego in front of others.) But who cares. Can't hold grudge against them.

Anyhow this is my list of things that helped me have blast in my 3 years of HS.

1.Your biggest enemy is overthinking and analyzing every bad interaction. As mentioned above, maybe the guy who didn't want to talk to you had a bad day. Maybe he was that kinda person who only feels confident to talk when more people are around (I went through similar phase myself where I Had hard time having a small talk due to mistrust to everyone or something and people though I was grumpy). You'll never know, and coming up with false assumptions will make it worse.
Basically thinking is good as long as you don't take it too far, the more options of what's going you come up with the worse it gets and some point your mind will get lost in this mess and further destroy your self esteem.
Don't analyze every small bad interaction, remember no one is perfect even top kids in class say something awkward here and then and people forget fast.
What analyzing does is it puts your mind through same bad emotional jumble and carries same bad emotional interaction to the next time you're talking with someone. Then you end up making same mistakes and it gets worse and worse. If you catch yourself over analyzing find something to do that generates same emotional pleasure like puzzle solving.

2. Take life easy.
Yes this is not easy and this is most generic thing every person who doesn't have problems will say. But ive been there and I know this stuff takes some effort. However it's easier if you understand the core of the issue. And here we go back to #1. You have to understand that people forget things fast, the thing you took on personal or emotional level everyone has forgotten day or week later.
Someone called you a Fag, laugh it up and move on, when someone laughs about you laugh about yourself. Being defensive is the worst thing you can do.


3. Understand who you are, get around all the good values you have and don't be afraid to explore new endeavors.
I don't know you much personally but I believe you're a great person. Look, you solve cubes, you reach for higher education and want to improve yourself and you are looking for solutions to make your life better. You are valuable and great person that with little improvement can make a next big change in world. Your average day Billy Joe Bob would never go for such things. And that is what you also see in school. You get everything. From bottom of the pile folks whose only plan in life is to drink and watch tv to people who plan to be surgeons. Often the reason you don't fit in one group or another is the emotional values and interests that split you. Be open to new things, if you are focused on one thing only it's gonna be hard to stay in group of people for very long. In my class people where talking about cars. I used to say that I'm not a car guy and that distanced me a lot from people, year later I got myself a car and got in love with cars and understood it actually is topic that I like to talk about. This applies to many other things, be more open minded to other things and the conversations with other people will get better in the process. You don't have to join ISIS, drink booz and go against your values to get people to like you, just see what from many things people in HS suits you and go with that.

4. About anxiety. The cause and my fix.
I believe usual cause for social anxiety is lack of self esteem. You can be bottom of the food chain in school even with A++ grades. If you have low self esteem people will feel it and it will change how people will interact with you. They say eyes are mirror of your mind. I believe the reason your china trip and cubing competitions where a lot different where because you saw everyone in same level as you and it boosted your confidence and killed anxiety. I may be wrong but at least in my situation I always felt like everyone had an edge on me. That everyone was better than me and that everyone else knew how to do things and how to talk and I was only small one. That made my anxiety even worse but somehow it didn't existed here on forums. The first steps to my recovery where day when in PE I managed to do pull up. Beforehand I thought I was weakest person in class and people where constantly telling me I was weak during PE and I took it as reality to myself up until my PE teacher forced me to do pull up. When I did it it opened my eyes that I can actually do something, that I have power, that I am just like everyone else and that it takes a bit of effort but I can manage to do things. That boosted my confidence, killed anxiety and people started talking differently to me.
Do something that challenges you in life. You don't have to hitchhike and travel around the globe to prove yourself that you have power to do things like I did it, what works for one won't work for others. Challenge yourself to other things. Try doing things that other people do that your previously though is impossible. It will help you boost your confidence. Pump yourself up and in party or something talk to some random girls, you will find rather quickly that it takes bit of confidence and moment of bravery to have a good and chill evening with people. If you haven't been to parties go to some, if you don't feel confident go to party in different town with some known folks. I was constantly claiming that ''dancing is not for me'' up until I actually, by sheer accident, went to party. I was so sad that I actually missed so much fun in life because of believing ''oh it's not for me'' without trying.

Also on the note of alienation RCR nailed the pinkerton album quite well that had same vibe @9:15


5. School is just an episode. What happens in school stays in school
I see you already use this method and I can confirm, school is just an episode, everything that happens stays there and once you leave school you can leave all the past behind. What happened in school wont matter in the moment you finish it and won't matter to anyone anymore. Let it pass and do your best to have fun, improve yourself and enjoy the moment. With different places comes different people and life gets more filtered, it's easier to find people with similar interest and goals and that's when your moves and actions will actually mean something.

That's about it
In nutshell

1. Don't overthink and over analyze every bad interaction, if you catch yourself doing so, find something else that fills that time void.
2. Take things easy. Be chill, fun and learn to laugh about yourself. People forget really fast and what happened today won't mean anything after day or week.
3. Understand who you are, get around all the good values you have and don't be afraid to explore new endeavors.
4. Good way to fix anxiety is to gain confidence, you can gain confidence by doing things that others do or challenging yourself.
5. What happens in school stays in school. School is just an episode.

And lastly, don't let anyone steal your life, don't let someones opinion about you change you of who you really are. Don't let anyone take all the fun the life has to offer. Good luck!

Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful responses.

@Regislian: I see what you’re saying about the ‘age gap,’ and I’ve heard this from others as well. You’re right that I shouldn’t worry so much about interacting with my grade, and instead focus on others. The unfortunate thing I’ve realized is that now that I’m a senior, I will be participating in a lot of senior events, where I’m more or less forced to interact with these people. So I don’t want to forget about them completely, otherwise my loner status will get even worse. As far as taking a step back and letting others initiate contact, well, I wish it worked out like that. I don’t really initiate much, but when I don’t, no one really has any reason to talk to me.

Thank you for the study tips also. I’m sure these will come in handy. My hardest class is going to be Calc II at the university, and frankly I have no idea what to expect.

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@Eguy: Glad you were able to identify with what I wrote. I agree that this community is like a home. That’s why I’ve come here after all. It’s nice to be able to write something like this, get intelligent responses, and not have to worry about repercussions at school. I shared my previous essay with a few people at my school, and it didn’t go over very well. Thank you for the kind wishes, and I wish the best to you as well.

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@Imperial: You make a very good point that there is more than what meets the eye with other people. It’s something that I often forget, but with my self-esteem it becomes very difficult to convince myself that so-and-so was just having a bad day, or whatever.

Also, I should clarify, when I reached out to my former friend, I wasn’t seeking any help. I was trying to continue the conversation we had the previous night at the football field, but I think that since we were at school in the presence of others, he didn’t want to be seen with me. I agree that I shouldn’t try to be friends with people who are rude to me, but man, it seems like they’re all like this. I can’t help but think it’s just me. Or, like you said, we just not on the same channel. Dunno what to think.

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@RDs: “It encapsulates the feeling that the world is playing a game according to rules that you were never told.” What a perfect analogy.

And what an impressive response you wrote there. It’s very fitting that you talk about overthinking first and foremost. Overthinking and obsession are the bane and the boon of my existence. My perfectionist attitude has helped me improve my craft, through cup stacking, cubing, writing or what have you. My addictive personality explains my obsessions with my hobbies, and also my aversion to drinking or smoking as a minor - I’m sure “I’ll just try it once” won’t go over well with my addictive body. But when it comes to social interaction… hoo boy.

I have a delay in conversation, because I often take several moments to quickly analyze the possible responses to whatever I’m about to say. It’s even worse when texting - I sometimes go hours without responding to messages because I’m thinking of the perfect thing to say and how to portray it. This probably gives off the impression of standoffishness or rudeness, but the truth is that I care too much about what I’m about to say. I’ve even gone as far as writing multiple texts at the same time, then quickly copy/pasting them so there’s no way the recipient can respond before all of my messages are sent. It’s pretty bad.

Couldn’t agree more that It’s something I need to work on, but I wish it were that easy. If someone says “stop overthinking it!” ...well, that just makes me think more. You said “[at] some point your mind will get lost in this mess and further destroy your self esteem.” Yeah, my mind has been lost in that disarray for so long that I don’t even know how to deliberate with myself anymore.

I was actually able to relax and take life easy in the 8th grade. I called it “Operation Ice Cube,” a silly plan for myself that involve getting myself to chill (Ice) and focus more on things that I enjoyed (Cube) Somehow, the Operation was an overwhelming success, and 8th grade was probably my favorite year of school. Unfortunately, the rest of my high school experience has been a fruitless chase to whatever it was that made me so relaxed back then.

As a side note, in the 7th grade I did “Operation Mushroom” an effort to make myself more outgoing and more of a fun guy (fungi) I went as far as counting the number of words I spoke to people outside my friend group, and keeping track of my progress. I eventually wasn’t able to keep track, and I considered that a success as well.

My self-esteem is interesting. Internally, my self confidence is terrible, and I think I've demonstrated that already. Externally, though, I have weirdly excellent self-esteem. I've grown to dislike self-deprecating humor, so I've taken upon myself to do the opposite (self-appreciating humor? :thinking:) For example, if someone asks if I'm in a relationship, I'll be like "hell yea dude, you know me, I'm a player." It's pretty nice, but I wish I could convince myself that stuff.

I’m thankful that I’ve never been afraid to partake in new endeavors. I also like to challenge myself. Thank you for sharing your anecdote about going to a party. I’ve never been to a school dance, partly because I’ve always said it wasn’t for me, and other influences. I’m trying it for the first time this year, so I hope it’s a lot of fun. I hope that one day I’ll do something as radical as hitchhiking across Europe.

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@Kalle: Thank you for the advice. I don’t think entering the workforce is really an option for me, and I’m pretty happy with the path I have set for myself as a Statistics major.

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Today is my last day of summer. I slept in until 1 PM, went to a singing lesson, did a bunch of school preparation stuff, shipped some eBay items, and went on another long walk to write this entry. I’ve been anxious all day, characterized by my severe chest and shoulder pains (I haven’t felt these all summer long… feels bad man.) I became so overwhelmed with emotion that I started to feel sick. Can’t say that I know what to do about tomorrow or the rest of the school year. Ah well, let’s just see what happens.

In the meantime, I’ll be listening to this song and trying to take every word to heart.

Nihahhat wrote:
My self-esteem is interesting. Internally, my self confidence is terrible, and I think I've demonstrated that already. Externally, though, I have weirdly excellent self-esteem. I've grown to dislike self-deprecating humor, so I've taken upon myself to do the opposite (self-appreciating humor? :thinking:) For example, if someone asks if I'm in a relationship, I'll be like "hell yea dude, you know me, I'm a player." It's pretty nice, but I wish I could convince myself that stuff.

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I hope your first day wasn't as bad as you thought it would be.

I've worn a similar mask during puberty. I knew it was a mask, didn't like that I wore the mask and didn't feel people who I considered friends were my friends because of who I was, more so because of what I portrayed to be.
Not sure whether you experience it in a similar way, but I'm glad I grew past that. For me, all it needed was time.

During summer break, did you also feel as if your internal self-esteem was so much lower than what you show to others?

(Assuming you didn't feel that way during summer break)
This could have to do with why you suddenly feel so depressed after summer break. If you switch from being able to be yourself back to feeling like you have to hide yourself behind a mask again..

Thank you for sharing your struggles. I know how you feel. There are times when I felt sad because I've felt that it's hard for me to make friends or to fit in with the community at my school. I don't really have a social life because I do a lot of activities alone such as eating alone and I don't really have close friends. I hope I can work through things and so will you.