Some people need a blog to vent. Some people want a blog to share their life with the world. Some people want a blog to express their accomplishments. Some people want a blog to advertise. Do those sound like me? Yes, they do. But let me paint you a clearer picture. I need a place where I can collect all of my thoughts and organize them appropriately for my own satisfaction. I need a place where I can escape to talk about something. I need a place where I can feel truly comfortable - a place where I am the star and the whole world revolves around me.
^ The above is a very skewed idea. But it's true. Recently in the past number of months, I have experienced a great deal of emotional distress - so far stretched that I've found myself contemplating methods of control. I've never really had a problem with anger or sanity, and that's a good thing. If I did, my situation would be far worse. In order for me to maintain sanity and control, I need to constantly occupy myself with things that put me outside of reality. For example, playing games with people eases my mental state for the time. Making music does too, most of the time (often times album projects drive me insane, literally). But when I'm not in an environment where I can do these things, such as out in public, I have to find other methods of control. If I feel myself starting to break down or have a panic attack (this is often), what I'll do is blur my vision, breathe, and mentally put myself in a different place. I'll often stare into space while doing so, as I try to lose all control of my physical state, while having complete control over my mental state. Usually I'll try not to strain myself physically because that strains me mentally. People look at me and think I'm crazy. I thank them.
I may sound psychotic at this point, which means that the intentions behind this point are working at their will. The point is that I like blogging because it puts me in that separate reality. It puts me somewhere where I can do whatever I want, regardless of how ridiculous I may sound (some of my blog posts are just horrendous). After going through most of these posts, it almost makes me wish I could relive those days I said were the worst, because they were actually the best. I also realize that in two years I'll probably be looking back at this day, wishing I was here. Well, hopefully that isn't the case, actually. I don't want to feel loopy all the time.
So now, what's the point of all this? I want my first online community to know what I'm really like, because you guys are like a family at heart. Granted, I've since moved in other directions within the past year or so, but I will never forget you guys (unless my memory gets wiped). I guess I also want to express the fact that I understand how you may have seen me back in 2011 or so. I realize I was a chaotic maniac who only wanted to advertise. But the motives were still the same - I wanted a place where I felt like I was someone. I am not nearly the same person I was, but what exactly am I? First of all, I'm sensitive and emotional, especially now. People may tell me I'm fruity (they have). I don't care. Secondly, I'm ambitious. That partly accounts for me anxiety/stress, but it's much deeper than that. There's a part of me that wants to do everything, and the other part that wants to do nothing. I want to make a difference through my music, because I feel as though I have the ability to do so. Third, I love people. Socializing is a part of living for me, as it also helps me in easing my mental state as I'm putting myself in a different environment depending on who I talk to. I like to help people because it takes stress off of my own life, as I'm not thinking about it, and I feel as though I have a purpose. I'd consider myself socially awkward in such a way that isn't awkward. I'm outgoing but it almost comes off in an awkward, unexpected kind of way that makes sense later on in the conversation.
It's okay to be different. I am the way I am because I have to be. If I tried to be someone else or blend in like everyone else, then there would be no reason for me to be who it is that I am. I do act a lot though as I'm just trying to stay in character, but it's also because I want to be positive. Being positive is a much more effective way to deal with anxiety/stress than being negative. If you don't believe me, do me a favor and dress up/act like Michael Jackson for a day at school/wherever else it is deemed appropriate. You'll feel so much better when you're trying something new, and standing out while you do it. People may ask me why I want to be so famous - this is why. I want to stand out, and I want to be an influence on the world. I really do want what's best for everyone, and I don't care how people see me. Actually, scratch that. I do care how people see me - the people that are significant in my life. At the moment that's a bit of a struggle, but I guess you have to take things step by step. The most important thing is to never give up, and always stay true to who you are.
But I guess that if the club can't take me, the world certainly isn't ready for me either. I should rethink my whole thought process.
I love you, but your attitude is like that of a shrew. Your options? Take a pill or be my kill. Might I suggest that you wear a vest. Perish in class or be banished to the land of bluegrass, where dreams don't exist as you'll be eternally pissed.