Secrets and Beauty

So I think my school hates me, but not because of anything I've done. See, school used to be a positive point for the first semester, and that was because I was never seen by the faculty other than during class. See, I get out of school by 11:40, but because my brother is still in school until 3:00, my parents will not pick me up because we live a bit of a distance away. That being said, I generally stayed in the computer lab for the entirety of the afternoon, unless I could get a ride elsewhere or otherwise hang out with "friends". This past December, however, my principal decided to keep me in a copier room within the elementary wing for the afternoon, until I could get home. I don't actually get my intermediate's license for another two weeks, but once that happens I'll be in the clear. My problems have yet to be addressed, however.

It's very important to note that I go to a private school, if you haven't already caught that. I no longer talk to anyone, or look at anyone. School is a blur for one reason. Apparently there are rumors about me circling the school - that I'm slipping academically, that I'm gay, and also that I'm a common disruption to the people around me. These wouldn't be so bad if they weren't started by the staff to begin with. You see, the role of a principal and of a teacher is to make the students feel safe at school. We're giving them money to go there, and I don't feel safe. Some of my teachers already treat me differently, and I think I can pinpoint when it all started...

A few weeks ago, my principal called me into her office for a private conversation. It's important to note that before I go into this, I happen to appreciate my principal to a certain degree because I feel like she does actually care, but her concerns are incredibly off track. Now, our conversation was regarding her concern that I act too effeminate. She basically told me that I need to act more like a man, and that my "mannerisms" were not ethical nor were they appropriate. There were many details that I won't get into because it was very personal, but her concern was that I was going to "turn gay", or something. She went into a conversation about how her brother died of AIDS because he was a homosexual...

I went off.
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First of all, this is why people commit suicide. This is why people get depressed - because of people like her who don't accept those that don't follow societal standards. She should've left me alone about it, but now look at where we're at; weeks later I'm still thinking about it, because now lots of people think the same things. Understand that this is a private school I'm talking about, so that's why this is a bigger deal than it should be. I wouldn't care so much about it if people didn't start treating me so differently. Second thing is that people don't "turn gay." It saddens me that so many people think that one day you can wake up and decide that you are physically attracted to the same sex, or even vice versa. Attraction is a psychological and innately instantaneous feeling - you don't have much control over it. And third, so what? Have I hurt anyone? Have I made someone else's life hell? And do I search for my boundaries by doing things that are "morally wrong"? I'm a nice guy, but these people are really testing my optimism because of some insane notions and ideas that I don't understand. This is why people don't like "Christians" - because of the wrong ones. I believe that true Christians would show true love of Christ as they are intended to, and understand that everyone has feelings and that gays are just like everyone else in that they are actually people (gasp!). This is not "true love". My principal's "concern" is that I'm not an idealistic representation for her school - that I shouldn't represent them as Valedictorian because I'm too fruity for their standards. I apologize for being myself.

For the people out there who have been through anything similar, my advice is to hold on. You're beautiful; don't let people take that feeling from you. Always be true to yourself and don't worry about what other people think of you - that's what I've been taught my entire life, and now I'm being told to change by people whom I should trust. I'm not depressed, but I've come to a point where I really don't trust anyone. I still care about everyone just as much as before, but I'm done with the secrets. This experience has only made me stronger, and has made moving to Florida much more desirable. I've only got a few months left, but a lot can happen in that time. I just hope that real empathy rests with them at some point, because at this point damage control is about their only outlet. I'm sorry for taking a personal conversation so personally.

This post in general explains why we can't have nice things. Being independent/different or having different social values than most of audience is hard. I experienced that a lot on my own skin in past and still get fair share of it today due to logic: if you stand out then you will be first one to be pushed out. But it's worth fighting for and not loosing them is best thing to have in long run. The thing I recognized on myself though that I felt like needed a change is acceptence of other peoples opinions. I used to be a ''douche'' when it came to any argument's because the thing was even though I felt that someone elses opinion or solution may be better than my own i still fighted and pushed whatever i had or ignored those people completley. It was wrong. I'm not saying ''hey ditch all your standings''. What I'm saying is sometimes accepting something that you feel is correct is worth doing, some people will accept you better too. I agree, what your principal tried to put down your throat was just lack of conovelage and lack of understanding of people's personalities, lack of acceptance. As sometimes compare it to this: It's easy saying someone with broken leg to walk because you haven't got broken leg yourself. Just hang on there and it will be fine. Most important part is loving and appreciating yourself for who you are, Ive been in hard time to point where i have been thinking about ''stuff'', I was hating myself and that burned me even more from inside and made it worse, through long time i went over it and once I learned to accept and appreciate myself things turned brighter. So keep to who you are inside and something good will happen in your life. These people may not appreciate you to who you are but there will always be someone in your life who will.

My opinion about homosexual part. While this should be prob one of last things to be dropped on internet ill place this here anyway. I am not accepting homosexual marriage due few specific reasons that I won't discuss, but what makes me as catholic cristian amazed is what american cristian's are doing about homosexualism as a whole. Why people are going against homosexuals with flags ''God hates fags'' and pitchforks. This isn't 16th century. God loves everyone for who he is, why spreading hate? If you have opinion then spread it in civilized manor. It saddens me that people like these put such a bad example to world who Cristian's are. Why pushing these people out of churches? Why not at least accepting them as humans, i believe church has right to or not to allow marriage in churches, but they shouldn't force everyone out.

Well i may just (yet again) quoted what you said in different words. Good post you wrote nevertheless.
Just remember:

I honestly have no words.....literally...I almost started crying reading this. Wow. Screw that school and their "beliefs".

[drops mic]

I've vaguely talked to you about this type of thing in the past. I often remind myself how lucky I am that I didn't have to go to a private school and that I wasn't raised to be a conservative Christian (I'm not a Christian at all actually, but that's beside the point). There is progress being made in this country, but being gay is still far from naturally accepted in America and it will take probably about 50 - 70 more years before it's really where we want it to be.

What you have gone through makes me worry deeply about what would happen if someone was actually flamboyant and wanted to have an open relationship in high school. I don't have time to write a longer response, but it's just terribly sad that you've had a worse experience than I, and I'm gay.

Now that I cooled down....

Joey, don't listen to bigots who try to put you down. It absolutely appalling of what you went through, I can't even imagine it. This world doesn't understand such a simple principle that Ringo Starr has advocated for years: Peace and Love. Everybody constantly wants to bring each other down instead of doing the right thing and caring, helping one another. It's absolutely sickens me. When I read this, I got sick. I had a hard time keeping it together,.

You are right. Exactly right. Be yourself. And don't let anyone else ever tell you otherwise. If people can't accept you for who you are, then the hell with them.

Please, for the love of pq, if you ever need anything, I'm a phone call away, I'll be more than happy to talk with you.

I'm so terribly sorry that you had to experience such horror.

I appreciate the support. I think things will be okay at school as long as nobody capitalizes on the controversy. Some people are set in their ways and will not change, and I've accepted that. I've accepted lack of acceptance. And that's okay, because I don't intend to try and change for other people. That's dumb. Besides, of all people to change for, why these? What have they done for me? I mean, granted, they are my education and my English teacher helps me with college quite a lot. But, I don't have a genuine relationship with anyone at school - never have. That's my fault, but it's also their fault because they made me feel this way. They pushed their ideologies and it made me cold and bitter, and resentful. I love them because they are people and my heart is sincere, but I just wish our ideas of sincerity were the same.

The last couple weeks have been okay, but if something else does come up, I will most explicitly discuss it.

quite welcome. again, let me know if I can help in any way.

wish you all the luck in the world.

Read this. Can't think of anything else to say right now but of letting you know that.

High School is definitely one of the most stressful points in all of our lives. Hormones, bullies, homework, peer pressure, all sorts of radical exposure that we're not sure how to handle at a young age. All I can offer for advice is that it will get better and 10 years down the road you'll most likely never hear from the majority of the folks from your graduating class anyway. Always start the day with a smile and treat others with respect. It can be frustrating dealing with folks who get a kick out of being ignorant, but the best thing you can do is to not show a reaction. Don't feed the trolls. Life gets much better when you aren't cemented to a hometown and have the freedom to go off to college or start working full-time.

Florida .. on the other hand .. not a bad place, but it's too warm and dull for me. There's not a lot of action in Florida, it's mostly the state you go to retire in. Move to Vermont - It's quiet like Florida, except everyone here embraces social issues by accepting them and ignoring the other 98% of the country. You never hear about Vermont in the news because the folks in this state are not looking for the spotlight but are rather focused on solving our own problems and handling our own issues internally. Honestly, if you don't mind the 5 months of winter, it's a rather charming place that can only speak for itself. I've done a lot of traveling across the states and I cannot think of a more welcoming and home-y environment than Vermont.

~Aayrl

Says you, who just happens to live there.

In my personal experience, I didn't have much in the way of bullies or jerks... I like and fairly respect my school. It could be that I live in a more civilized and peaceful location, where people aren't doing stereotypical things behind the corner. That said, it could also be that I'm just in the grade level that isn't consisting of a bunch of ignorant jerks and actually of reasonable people who know what "self control", "maturity", and "hard work and effort" mean. For me, that was all in the early grades. Now I am by no means in the "normal" for behavior. I do have my own, unique ways. I don't let that bother me too much though, and people do seem to appreciate who I am despite my great unfounded fears of "failure" in upholding to all sorts of expectations. That's probably me, though. It's remarkably easier once I get used to it.

High school is definitely a stressful time, I won't argue that. But grades 7-9 were the hardest for me, in terms of change. Ninth grade nearly took it out of me, as a matter of fact, as I most certainly was unaccustomed to the sudden workload. (Drowsiness also sucks, but that couldn't be helped.) I won't be specific, but my grades were quite cruddy, and you wouldn't believe how hard it was to keep myself afloat. Algebra II managed to get a 101, though, obviously a clear outlier. ;P As I stand here in 11th, I find myself looking back sometimes on things of the past. I by no means have it easy (it's quite the opposite), but between home and school, I manage to balance things out and make things better, both in terms of grades and in my inclination to go further and harder. It's quite amazing how much harder I'm working. And I've got friendly teachers and peers who are generally nice to be around. : ) I find what's most important can be knowing that you have friends and this wonderful forum community that you've gotten to know, and who supports and accepts you!

Not sure about Florida, but Vermont seems like a nice place to go. Many of our wonderful members seem to come from Vermont. It's quite peculiar. Here in Maryland, I have to deal with having those particular to their own beliefs and religions, which I tend to avoid talking about. My school system is decent, though. They don't force loads of religious or political nonsense and whatnot. Could use improvements, but whatever. I'd recommend Vermont, because Aayrl likes it and he's cool. ;P While our state is generally okay, at least Vermont doesn't have dumb politicians literally making a global embarrassment of our little county. Yeah.

Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do next!

~ PM

at least Vermont doesn't have dumb politicians literally making a global embarrassment of our little county. Yeah.

^This.

Best of luck to you in Florida joey