What We Become

I never knew what it meant to miss somebody until I finally had to say goodbye. It’s hard to hold onto the idea that you’ll never see a person again when you are accustomed to seeing them every day. For some people, it’s easy. You accept the fact that life moves forward, and you plan to visit each other at some point down the road. But for others, like me, it isn’t so easy. See, friendship is a delicate thing because it basically means that you have allowed another person to enter into some aspect of your life. The most dangerous part is that you aren’t always immediately aware of how much that person actually does affect your life – at least, not until that person is gone. While I’ve experienced what it’s like to live through one-sided relationships, I’ve also recently lived to experience what it’s like to have your heart pulled by strings when you realize that somebody in your life was somebody you won’t be the same without. I miss him so much already and it’s only been a week. I would like to elaborate on the aches of my soul for a moment.

Throughout the course of my elementary years, middle school, and high school years, I never really had any male friends – at least, none that I felt comfortable getting personal with (you know, the types of friends that you consider real friends). It was never circumstantial; it’s just the way I was. However, when I met this one particular guy in middle school, we didn’t start out as friends at all, actually. In fact, we were bitter enemies for reasons I can’t even recall. But, after my homeschool year was over and I came back to school for freshman year, things began to change. We were obviously a bit more mature, but there was still a certain aversion within our already dysfunctional relationship. When sophomore year came, we immediately became friendly towards each other. Both of us are similar in many ways – we don’t like to get personal, and we don’t like to show our emotions. So, you would be correct in assuming that the number of personal conversations we’ve had has been kept to a minimum. But, we still talked to each other about our problems, even if we knew we couldn’t help each other. Throughout my senior year (his junior year), I’ve come to realize that he is probably one of the truest friends that I think I’ve had. And I don’t really have those. After he said goodbye to me at my graduation, I thought that was the end. It wasn’t. I came back to see him on his last day of school (which was a week after mine), and he knew I would come. Out of the blue, he basically apologized for all the little things he did back in middle school. It was one of those situations where we both reminisced on all the details of our relationship, so as to make sure we left on a purely positive note. Then he escorted me to my car before saying goodbye. But that wasn’t the end. He followed by sending me a really heartfelt text that basically told me how much I meant to him. You can imagine that made me feel special. It did.

It made me feel special because I’ve not met a single person who has gone through as many hoops as we did, and then spend so much time telling and showing me that I meant something to him. And it’s honestly the little things that stand out. For example, people don’t go out of their way to text me, especially to elaborate on things they’ve already said. That, to me, was really sweet because it made me feel like we’ve achieved a closure on where we stand as friends. And, the fact that he was apologizing for insignificant middle-school things was touching, because for the first time that I can remember, I actually felt like less of a third wheel and more of a significant figure. It gave me some insight into the fact that he really does have a heart, and I’m going to miss that. While I could elaborate further and give you a rich context on our relationship, I think I’ve made my premise pretty clear. You know you miss someone when you cry every time you think about them. I’ve never experienced that until now.

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While this blog is meant to serve as a culmination of everything in the past – the end of one chapter of my life, perhaps – it’s not supposed to elaborate on every big event in my life that changes everything. Blogging for me is part of a personal journey – a way for me to reflect on both big things and little things. But it’s not about the past, honestly. It’s about the things that are affecting me now. I’ve just transcribed a detailed monologue on the aches of my soul, but that came from a deep place; I wouldn’t have been able to write that unless I was truly feeling those things. That is why I blog; it gives me a way to express the way I’m feeling in a mature and literary manner. Now, let us culminate.

I haven’t had a traumatic childhood. In fact, while it was domestically dysfunctional, I think I held up alright. But it’s hard to really know given I keep my associations to a minimum. Some would say that my environment helped to influence that secluded part of myself, but I don’t think environment has anything to do with it. I’ve been in toxic relationships. I’ve been in partisan affairs. And most of all, I’ve been around people who like me and people who hate me, all whilst not changing a part of who I am. In other words, it’s not my “environment” – it’s my experiences with the people I’ve met and grown up with. However, conversely, some would suggest that the religious environment that I’ve grown up surrounded with has also had an effect on what I have become, and I can attest to that to some extent. Listen, it’s difficult to experience a world outside of the world you’re so used to – a world that has embedded ideas of what you’re “supposed” to be or what you’re “supposed” to become, as well as what not to be. I’m not the type of person that holds resentment, and I think I’ve validated that with some of my recent blogs (notably Black Flags). But, I can pick up on conflict very quickly, even if it’s in the form of civil discussion. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to politely talk my way out of something that’s either considered a religious controversy, ethical debate, or otherwise a discussion that has little substance in regards to its relevance to anything. I go to school to get a diploma, which I’ve done. I really don’t want to be involved with some other nonsense. But let me elaborate for those of you still unsettled by my context.

I don’t believe many of the same things I was taught to believe, put simply. And while I do believe in some things, I don’t agree with many of the things I was taught, either because they don’t make sense or, in my eyes, have been misinterpreted. What I’ve come to realize is that being in such an environment for so long has had the type of effect on me that people in that environment don’t want: resentment. Now, I’m independent enough to come to my own terms in regards to what I believe, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve felt so restrained in a lot of ways. Feeling like I can actually be myself is a brand new feeling for me, because I tried it in the past and it didn’t work. I was always my own person but there were certain parts of myself that I had to hide in order to avoid getting involved with religious prejudice, social injustice, and ethical nonsense (which are things I didn’t want to be involved with because it would affect my high school experience in negative ways). I hope you understand what I’m trying to say and the dilemma that I’ve been in throughout high school, because I had a really hard time trying to make this all clear. Basically, to sum it up while still being really vague, I don’t want to generalize based on my own personal experience. But now that I’ve had an experience that has been pretty rocky, it’s hard to differentiate from that. However, I also understand the delicacy of the human soul. So I’m pretty open to anything at this point.

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Yes, I’ve graduated high school and a new chapter of my life is about to open up. But that doesn’t mean that all my problems are gone. I would be naïve if I thought that. A new set of problems recently arose, but guess what? That’s the cycle! There will always be situations throughout your life, and that’s just the way it is. There is no perfect system, and that’s okay. Handling those situations is part of what helps us to become something we weren’t before, and that’s worthwhile.

I think it’s appropriate to conclude this blog with my speech that I gave at my graduation. This is the speech verbatim, and I wrote it to reflect on the culmination of everything that has happened and what it means for us as people. I wanted to express how that everything we do is significant to our lives and has an impact on them – something I think I’ve done in my blogs quite well. Without any additional ado (because I think we can all agree that there has been plenty of ado), here is the speech:

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Part of what makes a memory a memory is the fact that you can’t relive it. You can’t travel back in time to recreate the things that have already begun. Even if nostalgia creeps in and creates something that brings us back, the art of a memory remains stagnant in that it is always a part of our story and cannot change. Looking back, each of us has a unique story – a distinctive passion for something that drives us to continue focusing on what the future might hold. But we take those distinctions and we create unity from them. And while no collage of memories is perfect, it is these same memories that become part of how we develop as people and how we grow together. It is one thing to suggest that memories fly distant from us because we don’t care enough to consider the significance of them, but it’s another thing to consider how that everything we go through, both together and individually, contributes to creating what we are. The things that hold us together are not grounded by the conveniences of circumstance, but rather the memories we create together and how that we have impacted each other because of them.

As we look back at what created our years together, we focus on what is important – what has influenced us and impacted us in ways that have resonated within us. We think about the people in our lives and how that they have served a purpose in being a part of our story. We think about the good things in our lives that contribute to our well-being and our experiences. But we also think about the bad things that happen to us, not to dwell on them, but to use them to strengthen us – to help us move past them and grow beyond them. Even though our stories are unique and varied, they are all intertwined because we have become a part of each other’s lives. Everything we do individually helps us to explore ourselves and grow within ourselves. But everything we do together brings us accordance.

I’d thank to personally thank my teachers and administrative advisors for being part of that story – part of what brought us together. Although we value the educational status that our teachers have, what we value more is the role they’ve played in our lives as people, not strictly from an academic standpoint, but also a social, emotional, and spiritual one. We like to feel important and that we are a part of something bigger, and we are. This is bigger than us. It’s about being a light – being an influence on somebody else who might need it, and expanding the dynamic that we have created. And that dynamic would not have been possible without everyone, because everybody who is a part of it is also a part of somebody else’s life. And it wouldn’t be the same any other way.

Senior year is the year you associate with the culmination of the things of the past – the crux of the momentous statue you’ve built upon with your peers, the finale of the unforgettable journey that you call your “high school years.” It’s when you fulfill the memories that you hope to someday look back on, passing on to those that come after you the things that they will one day experience. And although we won’t all see each other after today, we are still a part of each other. While we say goodbye to one phase of life, we say hello to the beginning of another. This has been the year that draws us to desire what that God has in store for our futures. And even though our goals may not necessarily be what we thought they would be, the passion we came into senior year with is the same passion that we hold onto upon leaving. All of us have a certain dream – a certain purpose that God has given us individually. I, personally, have found that the best thing to plan for is a change of plans, because you never truly know when the rest of your path is set. Even yet, it’s the things we do now and the differences we make now that ultimately determine what we become, regardless of what we decide we want for our lives. And that is the passion worth holding onto.

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And I mean every part of what I said. I have no regrets, because everything I’ve been through has changed me in some way, even if there are still some things I would have done differently. But, that isn’t the point. The point is that you move on. For me, the next step starts with moving to Florida, which I’m doing in a week. I’m excited to meet new people and experience so many new things, but I know that it isn’t going to be a perfect ride. Nevertheless, I intend to be myself, express myself, and focus on making a positive impact like I’ve always wanted. In fact, I’m going to reiterate something I said in my 2014 year review that I think is a perfect conclusion for this blog, and that’s this: There will be people who will tell you to love yourself and be yourself, but there will also be people who will tell you to change, that you’re worthless, that you’re unbecoming, and so forth. The next step is for you to decide who to listen to.

~ Joey

wonderful blog, read it word for word.

Congrats joey for graduating highschool! Please keep us up to date on your summer and onwards into college life