All Fired Up

Sometimes, when your past catches up with you, you may question whether or not you’ve truly changed. Can we really change? Or are we always the same person at our core? I believe that change is inevitable; it’s part of how we develop. But like anything else, no matter how much we develop, a part of us is still the same all the way through. For me, that part is ambition. Some of you have known me for many years – I’ve always set high aims for everything, despite the fact that many were unrealistic in multiple respects. Yet, even after failing time and time again, I’m still the same in that respect – only now, I’m smarter and more experienced in how to get what I want. That’s been a focus of mine so far this year – to push towards many of my ambitions once and for all – and the past month alone has progressed forward in more directions than one, showing me that I’m not limited based on circumstances, not now and not ever.

There are a few things to talk about in this blog, but let’s start with the continuation of where my year review left off. What you’ll last recall is that my parents decided to finally end their relationship, after realizing that we couldn’t afford the house we were living in and thus had to move out of it. Well, there is both good news and questionable news regarding that. The good news is that we did actually move (again, mind you), just two weeks ago in fact. The dubious news is that they moved together, instead of splitting up like they planned; thus, I realized this was just another situation where they spoke from anger. So I think that, from here on out, I’m going to stop blogging about my domestic problems because honestly, at this point, there’s no change coming as far as I’m still living with my parents. My dad made this very clear, stating that while he wasn’t entirely content living with mom, he didn’t want to split the family up. And, while I can appreciate the idea behind that, its effects take precedence over motives. This of course means that I’d rather live in a split home with happier parents than have to come home every day knowing that my parents don’t like each other. Regardless, it’s not my problem – never was. I suppose I just thought I could influence it, but I shouldn’t bother. It’s their life, and I need to stop revolving my life around that. Have you noticed that most of my Q3/Q4 2015 blogs revolve around those domestic feuds? Yeah, I’m quite fatigued of that; and as I’ve stated in my 2015 year review, I can’t allow a simple circumstance to determine my future and hold me back from all my potential. Thus, this year I’m getting all fired up, making ends meet and then creating some new ends.

Think of this blog as my plate of resolutions for the year, though unlike the folks who say they’ll lose weight and then spend the first six months binging on purpose, I’ll be basing my goals off of things I’ve already done to get there. So let’s start with college. I must say, I’m not surprised I haven’t yet started classes. But the delay isn’t due to extenuating circumstances like the last few. See, as I’ve stated in my 2015 year review, Starbucks offers a Scholarship Achievement Plan through ASU for employees in which they pay tuition. However, what I didn’t know at the time was that I’d have to be an employee for three months in order to take advantage of the benefits. Thus, I of course opted to take Spring B classes, which just means I’ll start later (they’ll still end at the same time, in May). I’ve moved towards a film program, which gives me a much broader range of options than a theatrical arts program did. Plus, this goes right along with many of the other things I’m working on, which we’ll get to. See, I’ve realized that while I’m the kind of person who wants to do everything, I also need to build that ambition around something. And for that, I’ve chosen film; whether it’s production, writing, acting, or filming, the possibilities for what I could do are outstanding. I’ve actually been working on multiple screenplays for both movies/TV shows based around many of the stories I create in my head – I suppose now it’s time to educate myself and put those to good use!

Aside from that, I’ve officially signed up for the Central Casting Agency seated in New York City, which is a step in the right direction for the acting aspect. All the paperwork is completed, and all I need to do now is attend an orientation at their headquarters in NYC. The way it works is that they’ll process my paperwork, take my headshot, and put me in the system; from there, I can apply for work in films that are looking for roles I’d be best suited for. Now, this agency specializes in casting extras and other non-speaking roles. This means that I wouldn’t be jumping the gun right off the bat. But I’d be getting my foot in the door in a big way, which is the most important step. This coincides beautifully with my education plans, plus I’d be getting paid for each film I act in. It would also be a great way to travel around the country, seeing sights I would never see otherwise. I happen to love traveling, and so this direction is one I would be more than enticed to embark on. The only disadvantage right now is costs – flights and hotels cost money. But that’s something for me to look into as I evaluate my options, particularly regarding my current job.

If it’s a shocker to anyone, I do love to write. I’ve been working on a novel for more than a year now, based around a story I originally developed in the summer of 2013. While we won’t discuss it today, I’m confident that it will be completed this year, and I don’t mean by the end of the year either. Publishing this novel will be a huge step for me, because it not only will give me another source of income, but it will also give me opportunities, not to mention a drive to write more. I’m quite excited to share this accomplishment with you when I complete it, and be rest assured that it’s comprised of the same rollercoaster of emotions I’ve endured over the past year. Of course, this novel isn’t the only piece of writing I’ve put heart into. Since last year, I’ve also been writing an anthology – a collection of poems. At the end of this year, I will publish this collection. It will probably contain anywhere from 30-50 poems, if I stay proactive with it throughout this year. But nonetheless, I’m excited.

There are a few more things that I won’t yet mention, mostly because I have no basis to support whether or not they will succeed. But that’s good – it means I have more opportunities waiting to be capitalized on for the future. Something I’ve realized is that I need to be able to balance everything I’m doing, which means that some things will require more focus than others. For example, my education is probably the most important thing right now, with the agency just behind that. Yet, doing all my courses online gives me the flexibility I need to accommodate for these other things. But like anything else, building on options requires motivation, and everyone needs an origin of incentive. Some people have certain hobbies, like bucket lists or friendship. I do things my own way, keeping a tab of what I do every day, and creating a short blog entry at the end of each day that details what I’ve accomplished, what I didn’t accomplish, how I’ve grown, and what I can grow from. I then rate each day on an influential scale based on productivity, emotional reinforcement, and choices that I’ve made. This is my motivation – to make every day a high rating, and to look at the days with lower ratings and reevaluate why they were so. At the end of each month, I evaluate the best day from the month, and determine why it was so. I then use that information to create an expectation for how I want the next month to end – this means that, theoretically, I will become gradually more productive and, dare I say it, happier, with where I’m at in life. That has always been the goal since I broke from a lasting state of melancholy on September 30, 2015. So I wrote up a nostalgic list detailing my first time doing all the things that meant something to me, and in doing so found that writing was my outlet. And the more I write, the better I feel about myself.

So now, here we are.