Two days ago I still had a "flurry of emotions bouncing around inside me" that I was struggling to make sense of. Since then, as these emotions settled down, I've realized that the prevailing one, over all others, was worry - a worry that stemmed from past events, which I should probably talk about for the first time here.
In early December 2017, Lamp began feeling uneasy about certain issues with our relationship - issues which were mostly out of our control, with the biggest, most overarching one simply being distance. I expected these issues to come up when we first got together back in September 2016, and we had some very good discussions back then in an attempt to mitigate them and make plans for if they started to become a problem. Over time though, as our relationship progressed and we started visiting (and leaving) each other regularly, our collective worry about these issues went away quickly. So it was a huge shock for both of us when all of a sudden, they became an existential danger to our relationship.
We had some more great, honest discussions about it, and agreed to hold off on any decisions until our scheduled visit from December 31st to January 7th. The weeks leading up to that visit were some of the most stressful in recent memory for both of us, being in that awkward limbo state where every one of our conversations had baggage attached to it. When the visit happened, and turned out much better than either of us expected, it left us even more conflicted in the weeks afterwards, until eventually the problems settled down and our relationship was secure once again.
So my profound worry when these issues came up for the second time, and they actually led to a breakup, was that what would follow would be another December 2017, to an even greater extent. We wouldn't be able to talk to each other anymore, and I would lose all my motivation in the same way I did back then. But I think a large part of what made December 2017 so stressful was the lack of closure, and the feeling that every interaction we had could be make-or-break for our future. What's the point of doing anything for myself, when any energy I fail to expend on our relationship could be what destroys it?
But of course, those things don't apply here, since we've already broken up. And maybe that's why I'm not worried anymore.
As an aside, I brought up the breakup on the Discord server for my university, with sympathetic reception. In particular, one girl who has been particularly active there talked with me about it, and mentioned that she had very recently gone through a much more traumatic breakup after an even longer time together with her boyfriend. She offered to go out for coffee with me sometime, to which I accepted, and it will be interesting to see if that leads anywhere. I won't say too much more about it here for now, in case she somehow happens to find this blog through my Discord username (hi, if you're here).
Overall, I'm definitely feeling a lot better than I expected to after only a couple days. I think writing these blog posts has helped me, and I'm very grateful for the sympathetic responses I've gotten from everyone. It's a risky thing, pouring out your feelings like this on a public forum - you always risk being mocked, and having your issues trivialized, by people who aren't brave enough to do the same. But in my case, it's definitely been worth the risk.
"it's funny how the super monkey ball game without monkeys is the one that attracts more furries" - eblu 2018
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Heh, sometimes I go back to the good old mentality of "don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened"; seems like you're already there though. I don't think I've ever responded to a blog post from you but I've read them all. It's been interesting to read well-crafted blog posts from someone who has, in some ways, a very different life with different looks on life; but also very similar in other ways.
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