Last night, in the span of about half an hour, my world got turned upside down. It was quick, honest, and completely unexpected, and it left me with a flurry of complicated emotions bouncing around inside me that I knew would take a long time to settle down.
After over a year and a half with Lamp, her memory is etched into the happiest days, months, and years of my life. I dedicated everything I did to her - music, writing, and even one or two Marble Blast levels. I opened up to her about my entire life, my deepest feelings and my darkest memories, in a way that I've never come close to doing before, and I was incredibly privileged to be able to do that. And during our relationship, as those dark memories became more distant in my rear view, and my happiness continued to improve beyond any of my expectations, I stuck with her as she progressed through her darkest times and bounced back hard towards the path of success. It was a phenomenal experience - her determination was my inspiration, and will likely continue to be.
I recognize the importance of these next few days, that I still have the opportunity to alter the memory of March 2018 that will persist in my mind for the rest of my life. It's a huge turning point for me, and I'm doing my best to turn in the right direction.
I've taken the typical first steps. I moved my Lamp folder off my computer and onto a USB archive, and deleted Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram on my phone. I'm still ambivalent about Discord - I do have a lot of friends there, and I'll be expected to continue moderating the Marble Blast chat, but if need be I've thought about stepping down from mod and taking a break from Marble Blast generally. It worked out well for me in high school, and it may be what I need right now to stay motivated in university. It's one of the many decisions I'll need to think about for the next few days.
I also couldn't help thinking about other girls this morning - something I've never thought about before. For the first 18 years of my life, I was always hesitant about relationships, and by the time I came around to it, I was basically already in one. There have been other girls who were interested in me in the past, and there may still be - another thing I'll have to think about.
In general, I'm trying to return to the mindset of 2015-2016 as much as possible. My work will give me a good opportunity to focus my energy on programming - something that has been generally kind of a chore for me for the past couple years, since so much of it has been for academic or work-related purposes. I've also written a lot of music lately, and my portfolio is more marketable than ever, so it might be time to get off my butt where that's concerned as well. (Just yesterday I got an email from
, a popular local rapper, asking to sample some of my stuff.) I've even thought about reviving the chess club at my university - as if I'm not busy enough, I know. All this is hypothetical, but at least thinking about it can help to take my mind off the past and make me excited for the future again.
Finally, I had the idea this morning, while on my regular hour-long bus ride to work, to start a private journal, and perhaps adapt some of my entries (like this one) into public posts on my forum blog, which has been dead since the summer of 2016. It's been very therapeutic so far, and I hope it will continue to be.
If this is just a break, and we do get back together when I move to New York for grad school - which is a very real possibility that we've discussed - then I'll want to have something to show for the year and a half that I spent without her.
"it's funny how the super monkey ball game without monkeys is the one that attracts more furries" - eblu 2018
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The following user(s) said Thank You: eNetro, StewMan46, Nature Freak, obee58, Nockess, CylinderKnot, Mike
Sorry to hear you’ve been going through a lot recently. Quitting things are always hard, but honestly you will feel better in the long run. As for the stepping down situation, if you need to motivate yourself in your university days, then I think it’s a really mature thing to do, honestly. If you ever decide to come back, you’re always welcome.
Man, I'm really sorry to hear about all this that's going on. The story of you two guys coming together is something symbolic of this community imo, and while we'll all miss it, I'm sure you guys are grateful for what was had, especially since you guys are on good terms still (so I have heard). I definitely know what that associative memory is like -- if I were in your situation I would probably have trouble keeping snapchat and things like discord as well, since all of us surrounding you were a part of how you guys met. As far as thinking about other girls -- when my last crush was clearly uninterested in me it took a while to get my head spinning right, and other girls coming into my head was something very natural but unusual at the same time, especially since I already had memories of being around her, but eventually I got over it. Obviously if you guys get back together you won't have to worry about that, but I support you all the way in getting your life working. Imo accomplishing those kinds of goals is important, and me and many other people in this community see you as an image of success in the fields of music and computers (which are big things around here), and we want to follow that. And for you guys, it seems like you found real, legit happiness together through this community which is yet another example of how tight-knit we are. Stay strong, big me. There will be another sunrise.
"it's the internet eguy. where children are men. men are monkeys, and women are PQ."