Diamond from Saturn
Diamond from Saturn
January 15, 2016
January 15, 2016
DISCLAIMER: This blog is rated 18+. While it contains information I want everyone to know, it discusses a controversial topic and uses strong (and sometimes crude) language. Most of you probably aren’t 18 yet will continue anyway, but it’s on you from here if you decide to proceed.
A new year means a new me, and that all starts with honesty.
Diamond From Saturn
So by this point, my parents both know that I’m gay. Oops, spoiler alert!
There are a few different reactions I’d expect. “Oh damn – I’m not talking to him anymore!” “Oh, he’s attracted to guys. I guess that means I should assume he’s attracted to me.” “Oh well, at least I don’t have to meet him to risk being a victim.” “Damn, that kid is going to hell!” Alternatively, you may be more along these lines: “Oh, it’s great to have more diversity.” “Hey! Do what makes you happy; it’s your life!” “You’re like a diamond from Saturn – special and unique in every way! Just be yourself and shut the hell up about it.”
Thankfully, I feel like more and more people are adapting the latter mindset. But let’s be honest – that only matters if the people you know are among that group. Unfortunately, for me, it’s not quite like that. It’s one of the biggest reasons I actually wanted to move to Florida – I’d get an opportunity to start over and continue to live my life in a better environment. I grew up in a Christian home and went to a private school. And honestly, this wasn’t the worst thing in the world up until that conflicting point during adolescence when I started to ask myself where my sexual attraction actually was. On my 14th birthday, for example, I wanted a pair of skinny jeans, but I was afraid that would “make me gay” or something similar. I did actually get them, and believe it or not I still wear the same pair to this day (I didn’t really grow all that much). But growing up in an environment where you’re constantly hammered about what you should be and, more notably, what you shouldn’t be, it’s a lot more difficult to find closure in who you are versus who you pretend you are. The reality is that I knew I liked guys since the very end of 2013 (and even recognized gay tendencies much earlier – a camp in 2012, for example); the problem was facing that, especially in an environment where everyone you know doesn’t believe in that.
I never mentioned this before, but the first time I told someone that I “was gay”, so to speak, was December 2014. This person was my best friend at school. Towards the end of my senior year, more and more people from school would ask me if I was gay. And it’s not the question itself that offended me. It’s the fact that I’ve never spoken to some of these people, yet they had the audacity to introduce themselves by asking me if I’m gay as though that’s the only thing in the world that matters. Is being gay what defines who I am? Is it something that I should cry about or celebrate? No and no. In this post, I’m not going to tell you my story, because that’s an overly clichéd way to “come out”, so to speak. Instead, I’d much like to reflect on a few different things, though mostly a specific perspective I have regarding the tension between gay people and religious people. I’m not aiming to convince you; I’ve learned that most people who form an opinion are not ever willing to change it, and if that’s you then that is fine. This blog is quite an experiment, because it’s different in nature than anything else I’ve ever written. So we’ll see how this goes.
Was I wrong to feel upset? Was I wrong to feel vengeance? Of course I’m referring to this blog post I wrote nearly a year ago. Since I’ve now made it explicitly known that yes, I am in fact attracted to guys, it may be worth giving that blog another read knowing the new information you’ve learned today. But why am I still thinking about things that happened a year ago? I certainly don’t regret enduring that experience, nor do I harbor ill feelings towards those people. In fact, I’m literally flying back up there just to see my best friend’s graduation in May, so yeah; I’ve accepted the fact that some people will never like me. But why am I bringing this back up? My friends, I’m about to mix politics and religion, so either buckle up or walk out, because I don’t want anyone to lose their shit during this discussion.
A scenario for you: A black person walks up to you and asks for money. What do you assume? Is he going to use it for drugs? Is he going to shoot you? You ask yourself these things because society has hammered ideas about certain groups of people that you start to believe. Now, picture the same scenario but with a white person. Do you immediately assume he will use the money for drugs? Do you assume he will shoot you? I ask these as rhetorical questions, for you to answer in your head. In this politically correct society we live in, I can’t say shit without being considered racist, sexist, prejudiced, offensive, intolerable, and a plethora of other derogatory adjectives that people use to improve their own messed up agendas. Yet, it isn’t so much what we say as it is the context of how we say it. Your answers to the aforementioned scenario, for example, speak volumes about how independently you can think on your own. You could replace the person asking for money with a Muslim, Christian, Indian, gay person, mentally challenged child, handicapped, or a person with tattoos lining every inch of their body. Is the Muslim going to use it for an explosive? Conversely, is the handicapped going to use it for food? For god’s sake, if your answers aren’t consistent across the board, then you my friend are, to some degree, racist.
Now let’s play a scenario more consistent with the topic of this blog. A guy walks up to you wearing whatever it is that guys wear and says hello. What do you assume? Is he being friendly? Does he want you to get out of the way? You say hello back; you made a new friend today! Now let’s say that the same guy walks up to you the next day, only now he is wearing some tight-ass skinny jeans, has a sexy-ass haircut, and probably has a lot of makeup on. As he approaches you, what do you assume? It’s okay if you assume that he is gay, because that’s not the question that matters. The question that matters is, does that have an effect on how you would react? I suppose the point I’m trying to convey is that, regardless of what you believe, you should never shut anyone out just because you don’t agree with them, nor should you judge them for that. I don’t agree with many of my old peers about all the shit they believe, but I never think of them any less because of that. I guess the part that hurts is that I know they wouldn’t think the same about me, not that I was ever that close to any of them. Well, actually, I was.
In my blog, What We Become , published just after my high school graduation, I outlined the fact that I never had any male friends throughout high school, except for one. And before you jump to any conclusions, he’s not gay (as far as I know – sometimes you think you know someone when you don’t, but that’s complicated). Did I ever have any feelings for him? That’s not the question you care about. What you want to know is, are you right to assume that gay guys are automatically attracted to their straight guy friends? I don’t personally give a damn about statistics, but there are a hell of a lot of gay people, so I can in no way speak for all of them. Some people are especially reserved or distant; others are maniacal sluts. I happen to fall into the category of the former. My friend was attractive for sure – that’s not something I am ashamed to admit (Hell, I told that to his face, though I guess it’s not awkward since straight guys tell each other that too, from what I’m told). But I respect and like him as my friend, not as someone I want to sleep with. I think the part that disheartens me is that I don’t really know what he thinks of me, even now, regarding that. I’ve got to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he assumed I was gay, and then behaved in a manner similar to those who don’t like gay people. Granted, if that were the case, then I suppose we wouldn’t have remained friends for so long. But hey, closure is a bitch isn’t it?
Speaking of closure, let’s jump back to one year ago. I want to point out at this point that I am in no way trying to push an agenda – in fact just the opposite. I don’t walk into Christian bakeries with the intention of suing them. I don’t walk into a church intending to shame them. I don’t walk into Starbucks intending to complain about how eco-friendly it’s not. I don’t engage in a gay parade for the sake of politics. And I most certainly don’t believe in exploiting the legal system by suing a school because they are among millions of other people who will never like me. Am I going to sue all of them as well? My point at the end of all this is to represent my view as to why politics is so screwed up, especially in regards to the tension between gay people and religious people. I do not believe in that “let’s go make headlines by screwing with Christians” shit despite many of my old Christian pals not feeling the same way about people such as myself. Sorry if you believe otherwise.
It actually pisses me off, honestly. Sure, my school disrespected me on a personal level. But who the hell cares? Is it worth all the trouble – all the bridges I would burn, all the shit I would cause – just for “closure”? Let me tell you something about closure. Closure is bullshit – an excuse that people use to justify their actions, no matter how absolutely insane they are. “Oh, I’m wasting years of my life chasing this goon for closure!” “Oh, I’m suing so they can pay so I can feel closure!” That’s not closure. That’s called not being able to let go of the godforsaken past and focus on a real future – a future devoid of all the bitter shit that you can’t grow past. You know, a big theme in my 2015 year review was growing up. I wrote this post over a period of a few weeks, wondering whether or not it was something I really needed to post. But in order to grow up, I had to come to terms with certain things about myself and stop forcing myself to hide shit just because some people will stop loving me. Overcoming this blockade meant facing it publicly, and that’s what I’m doing now. I should not limit myself because of some assholes who think it’s their right (nonetheless their place) to condemn me to hell because of my sexuality, nor should I waste my time bitching about it. That’s why it ends here – with all the beans spilled, in a matter of speaking. If someone wants to condemn me to hell, it should be because I'm a genuinely bad person, not because I find love in more controversial ways. Judging a person puts a label on them - as though they are "defined" by something. You want to know what defines me? I'm a person who doesn't hold onto bitter feelings, nor am I someone who uses that shit to justify the mistakes I've made. Judge me by that instead.
I would like to comment saying that this will probably be the only blog post I make that has a mature rating, reason being that this is the most honest post I’ve made. I didn’t want to restrain or otherwise hold back anything, including the way I presented it. Did you know that some of the most honest people use curse words? I only say that to suggest that I didn’t hide even that, as someone who rarely curses otherwise. What I felt inside is exactly what was presented to you today, and while you could argue that it was unnecessary, I’ll instead say to you that the purpose of this post was in part to overcome this personal boundary I’ve put on myself. Granted, this is a small community – it’s not like I’m announcing it on all my social media like it’s a big deal or anything. But that isn’t the point. This information is now out there, which is why this blog hits home more than others. I wanted to know inside that I was ready to overcome whatever restrictions I put on myself. Having said that, don’t ever expect another post like this again, as there won’t be one unless I feel such a thing is warranted (that’s not to say this will be my last post regarding this topic, as I can say with certainty that won’t be the case).
I’ve wanted to write this blog for a long time. I’m glad I finally had the courage to post it. You know, something I’ve learned (and you’ll note this in my 2015 year review ) is that not everybody will like you, ever. You have to accept that. You can’t wake up every day assuming that you’re entitled to everyone’s love, no matter how good of a person you are. For me (and this has helped me with these internal struggles), I wake up every day assuming that every single person I walk by is saying something about me, or that every single person is silently judging me. Thinking like this helps me to be more comfortable in my own skin, because the reality is that you can’t and shouldn’t do anything about it other than be yourself. Facing the fact that you will always be judged by someone will remove the worry that someone is talking about you. Besides, it’s not like that matters. I do hope I haven’t over-dramatized this (because I tend to do that); I never really liked the idea of “coming out” because it felt too dramatic for me, and that’s not my style. I don’t care about your story – I just care about what you took away from it. I don’t know what your struggle in life is, but I do know that you always have a choice with how you handle it. Life doesn’t get any better unless you grow up and understand that while you don’t “move on”, per se, you take what you’ve endured and use it to create a better version of yourself, rather than a worse version. Getting past that stage where you take everything so personally is the first step to mastering your emotions.
There are a few different reactions I’d expect. “Oh damn – I’m not talking to him anymore!” “Oh, he’s attracted to guys. I guess that means I should assume he’s attracted to me.” “Oh well, at least I don’t have to meet him to risk being a victim.” “Damn, that kid is going to hell!” Alternatively, you may be more along these lines: “Oh, it’s great to have more diversity.” “Hey! Do what makes you happy; it’s your life!” “You’re like a diamond from Saturn – special and unique in every way! Just be yourself and shut the hell up about it.”
Thankfully, I feel like more and more people are adapting the latter mindset. But let’s be honest – that only matters if the people you know are among that group. Unfortunately, for me, it’s not quite like that. It’s one of the biggest reasons I actually wanted to move to Florida – I’d get an opportunity to start over and continue to live my life in a better environment. I grew up in a Christian home and went to a private school. And honestly, this wasn’t the worst thing in the world up until that conflicting point during adolescence when I started to ask myself where my sexual attraction actually was. On my 14th birthday, for example, I wanted a pair of skinny jeans, but I was afraid that would “make me gay” or something similar. I did actually get them, and believe it or not I still wear the same pair to this day (I didn’t really grow all that much). But growing up in an environment where you’re constantly hammered about what you should be and, more notably, what you shouldn’t be, it’s a lot more difficult to find closure in who you are versus who you pretend you are. The reality is that I knew I liked guys since the very end of 2013 (and even recognized gay tendencies much earlier – a camp in 2012, for example); the problem was facing that, especially in an environment where everyone you know doesn’t believe in that.
I never mentioned this before, but the first time I told someone that I “was gay”, so to speak, was December 2014. This person was my best friend at school. Towards the end of my senior year, more and more people from school would ask me if I was gay. And it’s not the question itself that offended me. It’s the fact that I’ve never spoken to some of these people, yet they had the audacity to introduce themselves by asking me if I’m gay as though that’s the only thing in the world that matters. Is being gay what defines who I am? Is it something that I should cry about or celebrate? No and no. In this post, I’m not going to tell you my story, because that’s an overly clichéd way to “come out”, so to speak. Instead, I’d much like to reflect on a few different things, though mostly a specific perspective I have regarding the tension between gay people and religious people. I’m not aiming to convince you; I’ve learned that most people who form an opinion are not ever willing to change it, and if that’s you then that is fine. This blog is quite an experiment, because it’s different in nature than anything else I’ve ever written. So we’ll see how this goes.
______________________________________
Was I wrong to feel upset? Was I wrong to feel vengeance? Of course I’m referring to this blog post I wrote nearly a year ago. Since I’ve now made it explicitly known that yes, I am in fact attracted to guys, it may be worth giving that blog another read knowing the new information you’ve learned today. But why am I still thinking about things that happened a year ago? I certainly don’t regret enduring that experience, nor do I harbor ill feelings towards those people. In fact, I’m literally flying back up there just to see my best friend’s graduation in May, so yeah; I’ve accepted the fact that some people will never like me. But why am I bringing this back up? My friends, I’m about to mix politics and religion, so either buckle up or walk out, because I don’t want anyone to lose their shit during this discussion.
A scenario for you: A black person walks up to you and asks for money. What do you assume? Is he going to use it for drugs? Is he going to shoot you? You ask yourself these things because society has hammered ideas about certain groups of people that you start to believe. Now, picture the same scenario but with a white person. Do you immediately assume he will use the money for drugs? Do you assume he will shoot you? I ask these as rhetorical questions, for you to answer in your head. In this politically correct society we live in, I can’t say shit without being considered racist, sexist, prejudiced, offensive, intolerable, and a plethora of other derogatory adjectives that people use to improve their own messed up agendas. Yet, it isn’t so much what we say as it is the context of how we say it. Your answers to the aforementioned scenario, for example, speak volumes about how independently you can think on your own. You could replace the person asking for money with a Muslim, Christian, Indian, gay person, mentally challenged child, handicapped, or a person with tattoos lining every inch of their body. Is the Muslim going to use it for an explosive? Conversely, is the handicapped going to use it for food? For god’s sake, if your answers aren’t consistent across the board, then you my friend are, to some degree, racist.
Now let’s play a scenario more consistent with the topic of this blog. A guy walks up to you wearing whatever it is that guys wear and says hello. What do you assume? Is he being friendly? Does he want you to get out of the way? You say hello back; you made a new friend today! Now let’s say that the same guy walks up to you the next day, only now he is wearing some tight-ass skinny jeans, has a sexy-ass haircut, and probably has a lot of makeup on. As he approaches you, what do you assume? It’s okay if you assume that he is gay, because that’s not the question that matters. The question that matters is, does that have an effect on how you would react? I suppose the point I’m trying to convey is that, regardless of what you believe, you should never shut anyone out just because you don’t agree with them, nor should you judge them for that. I don’t agree with many of my old peers about all the shit they believe, but I never think of them any less because of that. I guess the part that hurts is that I know they wouldn’t think the same about me, not that I was ever that close to any of them. Well, actually, I was.
In my blog, What We Become , published just after my high school graduation, I outlined the fact that I never had any male friends throughout high school, except for one. And before you jump to any conclusions, he’s not gay (as far as I know – sometimes you think you know someone when you don’t, but that’s complicated). Did I ever have any feelings for him? That’s not the question you care about. What you want to know is, are you right to assume that gay guys are automatically attracted to their straight guy friends? I don’t personally give a damn about statistics, but there are a hell of a lot of gay people, so I can in no way speak for all of them. Some people are especially reserved or distant; others are maniacal sluts. I happen to fall into the category of the former. My friend was attractive for sure – that’s not something I am ashamed to admit (Hell, I told that to his face, though I guess it’s not awkward since straight guys tell each other that too, from what I’m told). But I respect and like him as my friend, not as someone I want to sleep with. I think the part that disheartens me is that I don’t really know what he thinks of me, even now, regarding that. I’ve got to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he assumed I was gay, and then behaved in a manner similar to those who don’t like gay people. Granted, if that were the case, then I suppose we wouldn’t have remained friends for so long. But hey, closure is a bitch isn’t it?
Speaking of closure, let’s jump back to one year ago. I want to point out at this point that I am in no way trying to push an agenda – in fact just the opposite. I don’t walk into Christian bakeries with the intention of suing them. I don’t walk into a church intending to shame them. I don’t walk into Starbucks intending to complain about how eco-friendly it’s not. I don’t engage in a gay parade for the sake of politics. And I most certainly don’t believe in exploiting the legal system by suing a school because they are among millions of other people who will never like me. Am I going to sue all of them as well? My point at the end of all this is to represent my view as to why politics is so screwed up, especially in regards to the tension between gay people and religious people. I do not believe in that “let’s go make headlines by screwing with Christians” shit despite many of my old Christian pals not feeling the same way about people such as myself. Sorry if you believe otherwise.
It actually pisses me off, honestly. Sure, my school disrespected me on a personal level. But who the hell cares? Is it worth all the trouble – all the bridges I would burn, all the shit I would cause – just for “closure”? Let me tell you something about closure. Closure is bullshit – an excuse that people use to justify their actions, no matter how absolutely insane they are. “Oh, I’m wasting years of my life chasing this goon for closure!” “Oh, I’m suing so they can pay so I can feel closure!” That’s not closure. That’s called not being able to let go of the godforsaken past and focus on a real future – a future devoid of all the bitter shit that you can’t grow past. You know, a big theme in my 2015 year review was growing up. I wrote this post over a period of a few weeks, wondering whether or not it was something I really needed to post. But in order to grow up, I had to come to terms with certain things about myself and stop forcing myself to hide shit just because some people will stop loving me. Overcoming this blockade meant facing it publicly, and that’s what I’m doing now. I should not limit myself because of some assholes who think it’s their right (nonetheless their place) to condemn me to hell because of my sexuality, nor should I waste my time bitching about it. That’s why it ends here – with all the beans spilled, in a matter of speaking. If someone wants to condemn me to hell, it should be because I'm a genuinely bad person, not because I find love in more controversial ways. Judging a person puts a label on them - as though they are "defined" by something. You want to know what defines me? I'm a person who doesn't hold onto bitter feelings, nor am I someone who uses that shit to justify the mistakes I've made. Judge me by that instead.
______________________________________
I would like to comment saying that this will probably be the only blog post I make that has a mature rating, reason being that this is the most honest post I’ve made. I didn’t want to restrain or otherwise hold back anything, including the way I presented it. Did you know that some of the most honest people use curse words? I only say that to suggest that I didn’t hide even that, as someone who rarely curses otherwise. What I felt inside is exactly what was presented to you today, and while you could argue that it was unnecessary, I’ll instead say to you that the purpose of this post was in part to overcome this personal boundary I’ve put on myself. Granted, this is a small community – it’s not like I’m announcing it on all my social media like it’s a big deal or anything. But that isn’t the point. This information is now out there, which is why this blog hits home more than others. I wanted to know inside that I was ready to overcome whatever restrictions I put on myself. Having said that, don’t ever expect another post like this again, as there won’t be one unless I feel such a thing is warranted (that’s not to say this will be my last post regarding this topic, as I can say with certainty that won’t be the case).
I’ve wanted to write this blog for a long time. I’m glad I finally had the courage to post it. You know, something I’ve learned (and you’ll note this in my 2015 year review ) is that not everybody will like you, ever. You have to accept that. You can’t wake up every day assuming that you’re entitled to everyone’s love, no matter how good of a person you are. For me (and this has helped me with these internal struggles), I wake up every day assuming that every single person I walk by is saying something about me, or that every single person is silently judging me. Thinking like this helps me to be more comfortable in my own skin, because the reality is that you can’t and shouldn’t do anything about it other than be yourself. Facing the fact that you will always be judged by someone will remove the worry that someone is talking about you. Besides, it’s not like that matters. I do hope I haven’t over-dramatized this (because I tend to do that); I never really liked the idea of “coming out” because it felt too dramatic for me, and that’s not my style. I don’t care about your story – I just care about what you took away from it. I don’t know what your struggle in life is, but I do know that you always have a choice with how you handle it. Life doesn’t get any better unless you grow up and understand that while you don’t “move on”, per se, you take what you’ve endured and use it to create a better version of yourself, rather than a worse version. Getting past that stage where you take everything so personally is the first step to mastering your emotions.
I love you, but your attitude is like that of a shrew. Your options? Take a pill or be my kill. Might I suggest that you wear a vest. Perish in class or be banished to the land of bluegrass, where dreams don't exist as you'll be eternally pissed.
you 
